about me · anxiety · challenges · family · flaws · Hopes and fears · life · parents · Thoughts and feelings · wishes

Messed Up on the Inside

For a long time now I have been alienating myself from those who care about me. Right now I feel so conflicted because I haven’t been totally honest with them. It’s true it is uncomfortable to have those sit-down talks with them because I didn’t grow up comfortable telling them everything and it got harder the older I got. But for the first time in a long time I just feel so alone in one specific issue I am having and I am considering getting things out in the open with them.

I went into this home health aide job training thinking I knew what I was doing but now everything is tearing at the seams for me on the second day of class. Mostly I realized this isn’t truly my heart’s desire in a job. I only wanted it because I thought I was grown and could get a job this soon, but I think I have more growing up to do before I actually get there. I did have other school options in mind, not any I researched thoroughly, but what I would have loved was to do environmental studies. I love the earth and making efforts to preserve it. But like an idiot I didn’t even allow myself to consider it, even though my dad asked me so many times what I might be interested in studying. I was too caught up thinking the tuition costs would be too much and so I never told him anything.

I don’t know wtf to do now. Where am I now? This epiphany of how much I’ve been lying to myself and other people is hard to swallow. I am standing outside on my class lunch break and the seconds are ticking down. Break is almost over in 2 minutes but it seems like I have no plans of going back in.

7 thoughts on “Messed Up on the Inside

    1. That’s true. I like your advice but it’s also hard in my own life… I often compare myself to some of the people I know personally who seem to have gone for certain degrees just to make lots of money. Then I also kinda feel pressure when people suggest I should study xyz. I mean, sure, if it’s something I am interested in I’ll look into it but if not, I just have no interest in even googling it or considering it as an option.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is hard for me too. Believe me. But I realized a few months ago and it took way too long that I am going to do what is good for ME and makes ME happy. Others do not have to live our lives. we do. But it was hard, so hard to take that leap but I did. Still scary sometimes but at least I am happier. 🙂 Best to you and I know you can.

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    1. Thank you for the sympathy. I feel frustrated with myself for not just being able to suck it up and deal with things. I couldn’t see myself physically doing the job though. I think I deluded myself into thinking I would just have a job after this and be fine. Only after being in the program for two days and getting into the specifics of the job I realized this isn’t what I want to be doing. I don’t know where to go from here. It may take a while before I find what I am looking for.

      Liked by 1 person

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