Messed Up on the Inside

For a long time now I have been alienating myself from those who care about me. Right now I feel so conflicted because I haven’t been totally honest with them. It’s true it is uncomfortable to have those sit-down talks with them because I didn’t grow up comfortable telling them everything and it got harder the older I got. But for the first time in a long time I just feel so alone in one specific issue I am having and I am considering getting things out in the open with them.

I went into this home health aide job training thinking I knew what I was doing but now everything is tearing at the seams for me on the second day of class. Mostly I realized this isn’t truly my heart’s desire in a job. I only wanted it because I thought I was grown and could get a job this soon, but I think I have more growing up to do before I actually get there. I did have other school options in mind, not any I researched thoroughly, but what I would have loved was to do environmental studies. I love the earth and making efforts to preserve it. But like an idiot I didn’t even allow myself to consider it, even though my dad asked me so many times what I might be interested in studying. I was too caught up thinking the tuition costs would be too much and so I never told him anything.

I don’t know wtf to do now. Where am I now? This epiphany of how much I’ve been lying to myself and other people is hard to swallow. I am standing outside on my class lunch break and the seconds are ticking down. Break is almost over in 2 minutes but it seems like I have no plans of going back in.