about me · anxiety · fitness · life · mental health · Physical health · school life · Thoughts and feelings

Sinking or Swimming

My posts continue to be melancholic. I feel like I have been in a haze. Self-preservation is an innate instinct and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Just surviving somehow. My physical and mental health took some hits during the stay-at-home order. I think I still am suffering, maybe from the aftereffects, even though I’ve been consistently out for long outdoor walks on a daily basis.

For every positive change I have made thus far, I still can’t help but get a sense that all my work is amounting to nothing. I keep wanting to do more, more, and more and it is never enough. The anxiety runs high the more I involve myself and make myself care about xyz. I have been desperate for the majority of the life to be okay and fine all the time. I was not, and slept poorly for the last few days.

Two days ago I had the worst migraine in a long time and for the whole day as it progressive got worse, I endured it without cluing on anyone to the fact I was unwell. I’ve always been like that. I never want to say anything to anyone when I am ill. It’s like I have a predisposition for rejecting concern from my family because I instinctively feel irritated whenever they ask how I am feeling and want to check up on me. Or maybe it’s that the last thing I need during a bout of sickness is for people to pepper me with questions and start giving me advice about what to do to feel better.

Reminds me of that time last year when I was preparing for a trip to Barcelona with my two aunts, and several days before I was set to leave, I woke up with pain at the side of my abdomen. I assumed I slept in the wrong position and hurt myself, though I made the mistake of not treating it with a pain reliever right away. So the pain got worse until bending down, sitting up in bed, and even sneezing or coughing became difficult. Over the course of the trip during the first 5-6 days, I regularly stuck on salonpas patches on my abdomen to treat the pain until it finally stopped.

I finished my two-part Chemistry course and earned a B grade. I was almost certain I would get a C or D. Yesterday I mailed back the hefty Chemistry textbook I rented from Amazon. It’s too bad I can’t get my money back from returning the rental, too. I have Biology in the fall semester. Although I bought the textbook, I am considering returning it for a refund since I was able to find an edition of the textbook for free online. The website I used to find the book was technically not legal, but hey, I am a poor college student and if I can use alternative means, I will. It sucks to buy an expensive textbook that I have to use for one semester and then later when I attempt to sell it off, the value price on the market has gone down significantly so it’s not worth much anymore.

As far as I know, my fall semester of classes will be online. My school decided as much that 90% of courses will stay remote. I was hoping my lab-oriented classes might meet in-person but it appears they are not. I long for a change of scenery from my school at-home environment.

It pained me to do so because I love my caffeine fix, but I have had to cut back on my daily consumption of coffee to just one cup a day and absolutely none after 3 PM. I did this on purpose to ensure the traces of caffeine I have in my system have enough time to phase out so when nighttime comes, I’ll be tired enough to sleep. The downside is I get very demotivated in the late afternoon without caffeine to keep me alert. I used to work on homework assignments at night but now I have no energy for that.

Worser than my proclivity for caffeine is my recent vice of binge-watching stuff on my laptop in the hours before bed while scrolling on my phone. I’ve had to physically put my phone away from me and shut down my laptop just to stop the cycle. The light was bad for my eyes and kept me awake even when I wanted to sleep. Overall I have had poor sleep quality this whole year, with an average of about 6 hours that moved up to about 7 and a half hours (which is still not very good…).

I have no idea where the hell I will be by the end of this year. In some ways, I’ll do what I am can to keep going (even though part of me just wants to hide under my blankets and say f*** the world). I’ve never been much of a cardio exercise person, but strangely, I don’t mind sweating it out. I had a very short-lived stint going to my neighborhood gym a few months back (which I stopped going to because of a terrible experience with an overtly pushy employee). I don’t think I’ll try another gym. The environment isn’t for me and I hate being seen by random people while I am trying to exercise.

What has worked for me at home is following some of Chloe Ting’s workout programs. Because I hated exercises that involve lying on my back, I started out doing two of her standing-only workout videos. They looked easy but the given exercises worked out the whole body. I was sore all over for 2 days afterward; most likely because I wasn’t used to training certain parts of the body. I did this every day for about 28 days. Then I did her 2 weeks shred challenge. I’ll say that this program is not for the faint-hearted, lol. She really makes you work for a leaner and stronger stomach. Some days on the program, I had to do 2 or 3 videos in one day and every single one left me dripping in sweat and sometimes keeling over on my yoga mat in exhaustion at the end of a video (lol).

The up-and-down planks are no joke. I struggled with those so much for the first 1-8 days and I estimate it was only about towards the 10th or 11th day that I felt the difference in being able to do the planks without getting as tired as quickly.

Yes, I still exercised while on my period (except for the second day of my cycle, during which I was SO tired that I skipped the workout and made it up the next day). No, I didn’t get full on 11 line abs after 14 days on her program. I might have if I ate 100% clean as her FAQ suggested though I didn’t have the diligence for that. But I did lose a few inches on my waist and became better equipped at doing her set of exercises. Now I am on her 28 days flat tummy challenge. It’s less intense than the 14 days program, however, it’s just as much work on the body. No pain, no gain.

7 thoughts on “Sinking or Swimming

  1. It does sound like you are having a hard time studying at home. Congrats on getting a good grade for your Chemistry subject – you must have paced yourself well with studying. I’ve also been staying home for the last few months, working from home. To be honest, I really like it not having to go into the office each day and instead work without distraction in my apartment. As an introvert, I rather spend time on my own than talk with people all day so this is perfect for me. That said, it is a bit hard not seeing the people I want to see but I tell myself to be patient and enjoy right now.

    Understandably there are many of us who don’t like staying at home during these times: others can be annoying or abusive at home, and our lives are disrupted.

    I have also tried Chloe Ting’s workouts and did her two week shred challenge. Like you I didn’t get 11 line abs but I came out of it stronger and more motivated to exercise and keep fit. Definitely sweated a lot after each workout. I was only able to do three videos a day maximum – four videos a day was way too much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Mabel, nice of you to drop by. 🙂 Definitely, there are perks of studying/working from home. I have saved a lot on my bus fare by not having to travel to school everyday, though NYC buses have had free rides up to now (I hear they will go back to charging people sometime this August), but I hate not having a scheduled slot of hours throughout my week where I can be out on my own without constantly being at home where my family are. That being said, it must be awesome to live on your own in an apartment without people cramping your style lol. I am very glad to be done with Chemistry!! That course was hard but I have a feeling it was even harder because it was online and not in-person. Studying at home can indeed be difficult. I don’t really have anywhere to do that comfortably besides my room.

      Ah, you did the two week shred challenge too!! So you understand what I mean by nearly dying after every video, haha. I have never sweat so much in my whole life. 😅


      1. That is amazing to hear NYC buses have free rides for the time being. Nothing like that over here in Australia. I’ve never done online study before but I imagine it’ll be harder in person – not having others to bounce off and ask questions. Hopefully there wasn’t any lag in study videos online.

        The shred challenge was hard. It was only around day 10 that it felt easier and I began to see some results. Now I’m still doing the exercises, either one or two videos a day just to get moving.

        I hope you get some space soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Most of my remote classes have had lectures live with the professor but my current class runs fully online in the sense I get assignments every week but I don’t actually need to “show up” in lecture sessions. I am a little concerned about my upcoming Biology class, as one of the professors said in an email he wants his students to be on video for the first day of class. Up to now, it’s been normal to just show up for class and not have audio or video on for practical reasons (sometimes a student’s background audio noise would interrupt the professor’s lecture).

        Day 10 was also the same time I felt the difference in the exercises being significantly less hard. 🙂 That’s great you are continuing to exercise. I honestly never thought I would be able to do Chloe’s videos and actually enjoy them.

        I may be getting more space, lol, after my brother and his girlfriend move out in a couple of weeks to their own place (finally…).


      3. Oh no, the professor wants his students to be on video. I feel your nerviness there. When you’re not a video person, you just are not. I’m not a fan of showing my face on video online, just happy with audio but no video.

        I hope you continue Chloe’s challenges and see a difference. Good on you for trying the longer challenge and hopefully, it will not be as hard 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes, it’s awkward showing one’s face on camera for the whole duration of a video meeting. Maybe he wants that to ensure his students are actually paying attention and not doing something else remotely while being present for his lectures.

        I hope to see some differences too! The 28 challenge is longer but so far it’s been nice to go at a different workout pace than the last program.


      5. I hope your classes go well and you don’t have to show yourself on camera for too long. Good luck with finishing the 28 day challenge. I am confident you will get there 🙂


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