Sinking or Swimming

My posts continue to be melancholic. I feel like I have been in a haze. Self-preservation is an innate instinct and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Just surviving somehow. My physical and mental health took some hits during the stay-at-home order. I think I still am suffering, maybe from the aftereffects, even though I’ve been consistently out for long outdoor walks on a daily basis.

For every positive change I have made thus far, I still can’t help but get a sense that all my work is amounting to nothing. I keep wanting to do more, more, and more and it is never enough. The anxiety runs high the more I involve myself and make myself care about xyz. I have been desperate for the majority of the life to be okay and fine all the time. I was not, and slept poorly for the last few days.

Two days ago I had the worst migraine in a long time and for the whole day as it progressive got worse, I endured it without cluing on anyone to the fact I was unwell. I’ve always been like that. I never want to say anything to anyone when I am ill. It’s like I have a predisposition for rejecting concern from my family because I instinctively feel irritated whenever they ask how I am feeling and want to check up on me. Or maybe it’s that the last thing I need during a bout of sickness is for people to pepper me with questions and start giving me advice about what to do to feel better.

Reminds me of that time last year when I was preparing for a trip to Barcelona with my two aunts, and several days before I was set to leave, I woke up with pain at the side of my abdomen. I assumed I slept in the wrong position and hurt myself, though I made the mistake of not treating it with a pain reliever right away. So the pain got worse until bending down, sitting up in bed, and even sneezing or coughing became difficult. Over the course of the trip during the first 5-6 days, I regularly stuck on salonpas patches on my abdomen to treat the pain until it finally stopped.

I finished my two-part Chemistry course and earned a B grade. I was almost certain I would get a C or D. Yesterday I mailed back the hefty Chemistry textbook I rented from Amazon. It’s too bad I can’t get my money back from returning the rental, too. I have Biology in the fall semester. Although I bought the textbook, I am considering returning it for a refund since I was able to find an edition of the textbook for free online. The website I used to find the book was technically not legal, but hey, I am a poor college student and if I can use alternative means, I will. It sucks to buy an expensive textbook that I have to use for one semester and then later when I attempt to sell it off, the value price on the market has gone down significantly so it’s not worth much anymore.

As far as I know, my fall semester of classes will be online. My school decided as much that 90% of courses will stay remote. I was hoping my lab-oriented classes might meet in-person but it appears they are not. I long for a change of scenery from my school at-home environment.

It pained me to do so because I love my caffeine fix, but I have had to cut back on my daily consumption of coffee to just one cup a day and absolutely none after 3 PM. I did this on purpose to ensure the traces of caffeine I have in my system have enough time to phase out so when nighttime comes, I’ll be tired enough to sleep. The downside is I get very demotivated in the late afternoon without caffeine to keep me alert. I used to work on homework assignments at night but now I have no energy for that.

Worser than my proclivity for caffeine is my recent vice of binge-watching stuff on my laptop in the hours before bed while scrolling on my phone. I’ve had to physically put my phone away from me and shut down my laptop just to stop the cycle. The light was bad for my eyes and kept me awake even when I wanted to sleep. Overall I have had poor sleep quality this whole year, with an average of about 6 hours that moved up to about 7 and a half hours (which is still not very good…).

I have no idea where the hell I will be by the end of this year. In some ways, I’ll do what I am can to keep going (even though part of me just wants to hide under my blankets and say f*** the world). I’ve never been much of a cardio exercise person, but strangely, I don’t mind sweating it out. I had a very short-lived stint going to my neighborhood gym a few months back (which I stopped going to because of a terrible experience with an overtly pushy employee). I don’t think I’ll try another gym. The environment isn’t for me and I hate being seen by random people while I am trying to exercise.

What has worked for me at home is following some of Chloe Ting’s workout programs. Because I hated exercises that involve lying on my back, I started out doing two of her standing-only workout videos. They looked easy but the given exercises worked out the whole body. I was sore all over for 2 days afterward; most likely because I wasn’t used to training certain parts of the body. I did this every day for about 28 days. Then I did her 2 weeks shred challenge. I’ll say that this program is not for the faint-hearted, lol. She really makes you work for a leaner and stronger stomach. Some days on the program, I had to do 2 or 3 videos in one day and every single one left me dripping in sweat and sometimes keeling over on my yoga mat in exhaustion at the end of a video (lol).

The up-and-down planks are no joke. I struggled with those so much for the first 1-8 days and I estimate it was only about towards the 10th or 11th day that I felt the difference in being able to do the planks without getting as tired as quickly.

Yes, I still exercised while on my period (except for the second day of my cycle, during which I was SO tired that I skipped the workout and made it up the next day). No, I didn’t get full on 11 line abs after 14 days on her program. I might have if I ate 100% clean as her FAQ suggested though I didn’t have the diligence for that. But I did lose a few inches on my waist and became better equipped at doing her set of exercises. Now I am on her 28 days flat tummy challenge. It’s less intense than the 14 days program, however, it’s just as much work on the body. No pain, no gain.