In a world where the sun lights up the sky each day, sometimes I forget to be grateful for such a miracle, such beauty that cannot be replicated by man. I only seem to remember what I am losing on the days that glittering sphere is tucked behind thick clouds as an overhead of dreary grey takes precedence. Luckily, today is a bright, sunny day.
I have never been awake to see the sun rise over a horizon but somewhere in the world, that kind of spectacular view is possible to see. The best part of knowing it’s such a natural occurrence that waits for no one. It simply exists as it is, unchanged. I don’t need to see it to believe in it.
I’m not a strong person. If I could waste away in isolation and disappear into obscurity, I probably would. Heck, for a long number of past years, I believe I did. Sometimes I still have those brief thoughts, flitting at me like a speck of dust before it’s brushed aside. I’m still young and inexperienced. The hardships I’ve faced thus far may one day seem like barely anything compared to the trials and tribulations I will overcome.
Nothing is perfect or can stay golden permanently. I take life too seriously, which, in some circumstances, may not be a bad thing if I think about my own mortality and the fact I won’t live forever, so seriousness about things like self-improvement and money and wellness on physical and mental levels seems necessary. Every grain of change can scare the living daylights out of me. I fear life, but I also fear as much as when life comes to an end. The other extreme I have is to want to give up before I even tried. I suck and won’t ever amount to anything, so why even bother?
Quite random, but today during my daily workout routine, I was watching a show on Netflix. Character A was facing a difficult challenge and said, “I don’t know where to start. I don’t think I’ll succeed.” Character B chided her, “Let me tell you. I hate those people who think that they’ll lose even before they enter the competition. That kind of people will never succeed no matter what.” She’s right, you know. I have tried the “fake it till you make it” spiel with mixed results, but more than half the time, I was already walking into those situations with the mindset of failure no matter how well I could fake my emotions. Perhaps I have been utilizing the wrong tactic in life all this time.
I can think of one situation in particular which I wish to go into with an open, positive mind. Maybe after I’ve faced it, I can write about the experience then when my mind is clear from the fog of anticipation and anxiety. I fear if I tried to write about it now, my readers would suffer through many nonsensical paragraphs of excessive word vomit.
In the hub of overwhelming noise that is in my head and the racing of my heart, these two constants are unrelenting. The brief focus on the simplicity of nature is not enough to wash away all the nerves and tensions in me but for now, I am choosing to step into the light and believing things will be all right.
Featured Image by Crawford Ifland.
Don't mind me, I'm justanervousgirl. 
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. It’s annoying that my keyboard doesn’t have a caps lock button because I want to write everything in all caps but that might be obnoxious anyway. I think this was a beautiful, hopeful post from you that I really enjoyed reading. It put some of that positivity and hope within myself on a day that’s bleak to me regardless of the sun shining brightly outside. I do think you’re right that I need to remember to appreciate the sun coming up every day. I forget that and take it for granted (especially when the weather’s been bad like it’s been lately for weeks!). I’m with you on the fear of life and living and living for myself especially. It’s a struggle that I feel weighs like a ton of bricks on my shoulders these days.
Love this post<3 you beautiful soul you!
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I’m glad you got some positivity from my post. 🙂 I was feeling particularly low when I wrote what I did, and today I feel a bit low too (ironically today is a sunny day as well).
It’s hard. I meant every word I said in my post but I’m definitely not immune to the rise and fall of feeling like cr*p about life. The weight of life feels as heavy as the burden of death.
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YUP. The ups and downs make me nauseous I think… and more often than not I feel like I’m in the dumps… so I’m trying to work on cultivating the right mindset because I don’t have much control on anything else in life xD but it’s hard! July was all about that and August I’m just struggling to maintain that haha
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I feel the same in terms of control over the stuff in my life right now. This is really dramatic but I seriously wonder how I even made it this far in life. If this was like the prehistoric age instead of modern life where comforts have overtaken brute survival, I probably would have died a long time ago. It is a dark humor but it’s true too.
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LOL if we all were in that time, we’d be a lot different I’m sure. I don’t think I’d have made it, either. We kind of grew up without the instinct for survival because we didn’t need it as much then, so it makes sense!!
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People often remember their failures and negatives. I guess because they impact us more.
But if you would really review your life, you would see that you achieved a lot too!
Knowing a bit more about your situation, I am very convinced that the light will shine more towards you because you have taken the right steps!
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