about me · friendship · life · mental health · perception · social anxiety · writing

Life’s Randomness

Where am I going with this random post? I don’t know. Life and all that jazz, I suppose? It’s not really a journal entry, in my opinion, so hence the unusual title.

December is not my month. It snowed all day yesterday for the first time in my area in New York. I have a nonstop moving scale in my brain with both sides tipping back and forth. To go or not. To stay in or not. To do something or not. I’ve been slowly slipping down this slope ever since November-ish. I don’t feel much like talking to anyone. The way I see it, I’ve got my problems and everyone else has their problems too. My emotions are a jumbled mess I don’t want to think about.

Recently a friend of mine noticed I was being a bit distant and not texting him as much. I still feel like I don’t truly know how a real friendship works. Did I gravitate towards him because we both have shared hardships and can relate to certain struggles? This is something that has been on my mind for a while now ever since months back when Annelise texted me saying I talk way too much about my anxiety in all sorts of situations. She was right but on another level, I began to question if I have unintentionally used my mental health to seek friends similar to me and if actually I have nothing in common with someone like Annelise. What do they call it… “looking for friends in the wrong places?” The decision to not reply to her after that wasn’t out of spite, but more like I came to the conclusion she finds the way I confide in her about my anxiety to be annoying. I could be misinterpreting things, and yeah, this situation could be solved if I just asked her if she thinks I’m annoying. But I’d rather not. Just move on.

I guess that’s why it weighed so heavily on me to feel as if I have some obligation to censor myself more when talking to actual friends. This included texting infrequently or not at all because I could feel my own unhappiness clouding my judgment about what I might say to a friend if I were to write about whatever is bothering me.

For example, today was a day where I just wanted to be left alone. I barely spoke to anyone. My brother texted me for the first time in a while. The message was from yesterday night, which I hadn’t seen until this morning, but blame it on my mood for going straight to, F this, I don’t wanna deal right now. I also feel more sensitive to my surroundings when I’m in this state of mind. I don’t know how to explain it other than it’s like the smallest things irritate me. Such as when my mom was mopping the living room floor and I was sitting on the couch. She was mopping the floor directly in front of where I sat. Something about her close proximity to me got on my nerves. It wasn’t an anger that was preparing to explode at any second, it was more like a quiet irritation of please get away from me right now type of thing even though part of me didn’t understand why I felt bothered by her. I didn’t actually say anything to her but the more the feeling simmered in me, the more unsettled I felt (especially when she sat down next to me to wipe down the coffee table) until I got the urge to physically move to another room before I lost my mind. The invisible chasm is one only I can see, while to her I’m sure it looked like I was just getting up to go into the kitchen to wash my coffee cup.

Things to be unhappy about?

*Winter and the lack of sunlight. At the time I am typing up these words, it’s now 4:19 pm and already getting dark to the point I had to turn on the lights. 😢 Wish I had a sun lamp.

*I just ate a late lunch and probably won’t be able to eat dinner. I was going to try and stay on an empty stomach until dinner like I typically do, as most days I only really eat breakfast and then have a meal in the evening.

*Currently, I am waiting on an important email since three days ago and it’s killing me to be patient. I probably won’t get a response today because it’s a weekend. Hopefully tomorrow then? Fingers crossed on that…

Things to be happy about?

*I watched the first episode of Season 2 of The Crown. All right, I admit I know nothing about British politics and how the monarchy runs itself, and I do have a healthy skepticism about how true it is to real life when people are fictionalized in a television series, but it’s interesting to watch.

*I recently bought chewable aspirin. Doesn’t seem like much but I realize I need them if I ever have a headache. Previously I had stubbornly refused to rely on medicine for headaches, however, I want to save myself the trouble of enduring pain all day long like I did in the past. Also kinda stupid on my part is for the longest time I thought there was only chewable aspirin for children and that there wasn’t a type for adults. 😑😑

*I’ve been taking my job interview preparations more seriously, like actually looking up possible questions and answers and typing everything out for myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t still feel like melting into a puddle of goo at the thought of looking the interviewer dead in the eye and trying to say my answers with supreme confidence, but it’s a start. Much better than a time when I would get so anxious that even typing stuff into Google was impossible for me.

*This was a surprise even to myself but I think I hate how I look slightly less. It was never just about the aesthetics of physical beauty. I mean, yes, I have some personal vanity, who doesn’t? But I’ve always thought I looked ugly in addition to looking unfriendly. I guess it’s not true?? I shared two selfies recently with a friend. I’m not the type of photograph myself a lot but I didn’t mind if it was for a friend. Imagine my surprise when she said I looked friendly! And here I was sure I looked scary…


Well… this is me. Eek!



Featured Image by Lukas Blazek.

9 thoughts on “Life’s Randomness

  1. I’ve been trying to practice more self-love these days, so I say look in the mirror, flip your hair, and either go vain-crazy for a burst of confidence or say, “Who cares–I like my face.” I think you look cute!
    Good luck on the interviews! And for friends, it can be complicated. Sometimes I feel bad if I feel like I talk too much about myself and how meh I feel. I don’t want to put my emotional baggage on them. And sometimes I feel like I get too close to people too fast so we breeze through a normal lifetime of friendship and run out of steam quickly…
    This is where my weirdly extroverted side comes in… I love talking to people and finding new friends if we hit it off, but it’s also hard being social at times because of feelings of inadequacy and paranoia about how I come off to them :\

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Self-love is a hard and slippery slope for me. 😣 A friend of mine recently told me that sometimes I am too sullen about stuff. I did not think of it as an insult but more like an observation on his part. Maybe it is a matter of how I hold myself and how I react towards other. Perhaps that is what I need to work on before I can give myself to others.

      I feel you on the difficulty of not getting self conscious about how other people are viewing you. That is one of the hardest things to fight against in social situations. Even friends I have known for more than a year, I end up wondering if what I just said to them sounded dumb to their ears…


    1. Thank you, that means a lot that you think I don’t look horrible lol. I still go back and forth about my own looks but I have to trust that I might be being too hard on myself…

      Yep… Some days I don’t know where my head is. Those who don’t experience that need for solitude at times just wouldn’t get it.


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