anxiety · being social · college days · Comfort zone · insecurities · Making plans · people · school · social anxiety

Bumps in the Road

On Tuesday, I had the worst migraine. Maybe it was my body finally catching up to my mind and telling me to take a break. I got up briefly to eat breakfast but otherwise I felt too lightheaded to do much less except crawl back into bed. It seemed like I was going in and out of consciousness trying to fall asleep yet never getting fully immersed in deep sleep mode. I was in bed until 2 pm and by then, sitting up made the intense throbbing at my temple even worse. I scarfed down a measly put together lunch. I only managed to finish a few bites before I got nauseated and kept myself from retching. I had to lie down again because my whole body ached from exhaustion, though this time I took some liquid Advil. Pain medication is always a very last resort with my migraines, as I typically suffer through the pain and sleep it off.

This time I was knocked out cold for a few hours. The all-day migraine wore me down, perhaps. I had such trouble sleeping well the night before and during the morning when I felt the beginnings of the migraine.

That day, as I alluded to in my last post, I was supposed to be on campus for a big event. It might’ve been right up my alley as an amateur plant lover who has happily gone completely gloveless whenever I’ve worked in a garden and had to plant seedlings or pull out weeds. This particular event was coordinated by a friend I’ve worked closely with over the last two semesters to support his various on-campus events, like a leaf raking event and a garden clean-up event. He had mapped out something like 160 native plant seedlings that were going to be planted into the garden beds (which I helped him clear of weeds last fall). The fact members from other club organizations (who I have never interacted with) signed up to volunteer was great but I was already nervous weeks in advance about being around that many people.

It’s already been enough that I took on the role of being a club president last year. My executive board (vice president, treasurer and secretary) ended up being a flop because all of us were hardly ever available at the same time for club meetings and/or we had issues scheduling a time that worked for everyone. Meanwhile I felt like the only member on the executive board making an effort to show up to relevant events and doing stuff to show the club was participating in things. Personally I think I was slightly mismatched for this role, too. This is my last semester in school and I’m barely on campus except for events.

Anyway, I missed out on the planting event. The same event is happening on Thursday since just one day on Tuesday was not enough time to plant everything. Unfortunately I’m skipping out on that too. I feel quite guilty for bailing out on my friend who organized the event, but I desperately need a day off. I was migraine-free this morning and went to work, while still dealing with lingering body fatigue. I’ve got work on Friday, and then, surprise, I’m actually doing something different on Saturday. Instead of work, I requested time off because I’m bringing some of my club members to my old intern work site on an urban farm for a day of volunteering for Earth Day.

I believe I’m more nervous for this trip, in both a good and bad way, than I was for the on-campus event. That’s probably why I’m willing to go brace my nerves and just do it. Only a couple of people signed up, so I feel relieved it’ll be a small group. Then I scare myself thinking about whether they’ll enjoy their time seeing and experiencing the farm. Recently last year I had a friend from Norway visit New York and I brought her to the farm so she could help me care for and feed the farm’s many free-roaming pet chickens. But this will be my first time bringing a whole group of people there. I can only hope for the best.

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