I may be turning over a new leaf in life. Or at least I feel compelled this week to try my hardest to think positively and hope my positive energies will translate into positive actions. I don’t know how long I will keep up with these audio readings of my blog posts. I still don’t like the sound of my own voice, but hearing the playback of it has become tolerable.
During the pandemic, I had virtual online Zoom sessions with a therapist, but I’d “talk” during the session by typing into the chat instead of using my microphone. I requested this option at the start of my therapy treatment because I was extremely uncomfortable speaking into a microphone while on camera. Slowly over the course of the treatment plan, I progressed to the point of turning my microphone on during a session. My therapist, upon hearing me for the first time, remarked that I had a very nice voice. I think I am finally starting to believe what he said at the time.
I feel that reading my posts out loud is giving me a chance to learn to be uncomfortable with every word I speak. I’m actively working through the discomfort in real-time by realizing nothing bad is actually happening even though I feel uncomfortable. I’m going to have to repeat the action a multitude of times over and over before I see improvement. That’s the most difficult thing about changing my perspective of myself.
Just today I was around an acquaintance I only met once before and we had a chance to talk more. It is still my number one instinct to want to run from the situation when someone shows interest in speaking to me by asking me questions. I feel so out of place meeting the person’s eyes and responding. I had to catch myself a few times today when I was slipping into avoidant behaviors. The ones I typically go for are speaking too fast because the anxiety is too much for me to deal with, or I reply to the person but find it hard to maintain consistent eye contact.
If you met me in real life, all the behavioral quirks I am talking about here probably would not even be that noticeable. It’s just I tend to have a lot of self-criticisms. In a way, it’s a bit stupid. I judge myself harshly and in turn, assume other people will too. I end up expecting that the beliefs I have about myself are things other people automatically see in me. The game is all mental inside my brain.
Featured Image by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash.
Don't mind me, I'm justanervousgirl. 