anxiety · audio blog post · social anxiety · Thoughts and feelings

Mental Mind Games

I may be turning over a new leaf in life. Or at least I feel compelled this week to try my hardest to think positively and hope my positive energies will translate into positive actions. I don’t know how long I will keep up with these audio readings of my blog posts. I still don’t like the sound of my own voice, but hearing the playback of it has become tolerable.

During the pandemic, I had virtual online Zoom sessions with a therapist, but I’d “talk” during the session by typing into the chat instead of using my microphone. I requested this option at the start of my therapy treatment because I was extremely uncomfortable speaking into a microphone while on camera. Slowly over the course of the treatment plan, I progressed to the point of turning my microphone on during a session. My therapist, upon hearing me for the first time, remarked that I had a very nice voice. I think I am finally starting to believe what he said at the time.

I feel that reading my posts out loud is giving me a chance to learn to be uncomfortable with every word I speak. I’m actively working through the discomfort in real-time by realizing nothing bad is actually happening even though I feel uncomfortable. I’m going to have to repeat the action a multitude of times over and over before I see improvement. That’s the most difficult thing about changing my perspective of myself.

Just today I was around an acquaintance I only met once before and we had a chance to talk more. It is still my number one instinct to want to run from the situation when someone shows interest in speaking to me by asking me questions. I feel so out of place meeting the person’s eyes and responding. I had to catch myself a few times today when I was slipping into avoidant behaviors. The ones I typically go for are speaking too fast because the anxiety is too much for me to deal with, or I reply to the person but find it hard to maintain consistent eye contact.

If you met me in real life, all the behavioral quirks I am talking about here probably would not even be that noticeable. It’s just I tend to have a lot of self-criticisms. In a way, it’s a bit stupid. I judge myself harshly and in turn, assume other people will too. I end up expecting that the beliefs I have about myself are things other people automatically see in me. The game is all mental inside my brain.

Featured Image by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash.

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