Self-Involved

I think I’m quite self-absorbed in my own problems. Perhaps everyone is to some extent? I find it incredible (in an admiring way) how some people have such busy and fast-paced things going on their lives and still manage to seem like they have it all together.

My cousin just had a baby about a month ago. That’s life-changing though she and her husband have been preparing for the new little addition to the family for a while now. Gosh, I could never handle a baby, let alone a full-blown martial relationship.

I barely know how to make friends. Many people I’ve met because of work or school are in the pool of people I know but also don’t know because I speak to them (or don’t speak to them) in a limited capacity. I am uncomfortable being in the limelight. I did indeed keep all my appointments for this Tuesday (see my last post).

One instance of utter discomfort that was the most uncomfortable I felt that day was in my 3-hour class. A girl I had spoken to in snatches of conversations outside in the hallway (often in the minutes before class started) was there. She doesn’t sit near me but from her seat, she gets a pretty clear view of me. I noticed her observing me a few times throughout the class. I didn’t necessarily feel uncomfortable because I noticed her noticing me (what a sentence…). I had a lot on my mind so maybe I was projecting that nonverbally and she was trying to interpret my overall mood. See, that’s what I mean by being a bystander to another person who may look by all appearances like they have all their sh*t together when that isn’t true to what the person in question is actually feeling.

More or less, I was uncomfortable not knowing what her opinion of me was, depending on what she was focusing on by noticing me. She could have been thinking something superficial, like trying to figure out what kind of earrings I had on (they were dangling honeycomb earrings with a bee attached to each honeycomb). Or she was looking at me because her attention on the class lecture was waning. It could have been any number of things.

I get so hung up on the impression I leave from the handful of interactions I have with them. It’s not even that important. I have interactions with people that happen and I didn’t truly process what happened.

Later in class, we each got a number and were split into groups with whoever also received the same number. I was number four. When everyone got up to rearrange their seating based on their group number, I realized I misinterpreted that people were being grouped by consecutive numbers (such as, numbers 1-4 being one group, and another group also being formed from 1-4). As my mind caught up to speed, I was in a daze of panic, I asked the nearest person (who happened to be the girl who had been observing me during class) what group number she was in.

Until I started writing this post, I hadn’t even noted this coincidence of events. It’s a weird feeling going through a blur of interactions in a day and only having some things my mind filtered out come into focus later on.

Group work in this class is not my favorite. Like many things, I’m not good at spontaneously saying on the spot (if someone were to ask me) exactly why I dislike something. But after weeks of letting the feeling settle and find its place as a fully realized emotion, it’s that I am frustrated by the rushed structure of group work. We’re always given a reading that is anywhere from 5-10 pages long and is expected to read it all within 15 minutes AND talk about the topics based on select questions we get for the group discussion. How can I absorb information I am just reading for the first time, plus figure out answers so quickly? This week’s reading had a lot of graphs too. It was pretty intimidating as it left me feeling as if I was in math class.

I haven’t truly learned to go with the flow and go with my instinct. I could as easily work on the group assignment by going for my first impression of the reading in general instead of trying to grasp everything at once. I just never came up with a strategy to move past the frustration until now.

I could say the same for my final project. Visiting my professor during his office hours did help somewhat. I was honest with him and said I was insecure about my project topic and if the information on my presentation slides made sense (in terms of linking my project topic to topics learned in class). He had pretty positive things to say about my work. I am on the spectrum of doubting my talents even when people pointedly tell me I did a good job and give me examples of what they liked about what I did. Even now I don’t think my project is that great.

Very recently I had to answer a series of questions and rate myself on a numerical scale for a work performance review. I spoke with a coworker about the difficulty in highlighting my “work achievements”. I was surprised when he started listing the things he had mentioned in his performance review about all the stuff I did well as his work partner. I don’t know what surprised me more; the fact he recognized those things as achievements or the fact those things are positive traits. There is also a section on the performance review for my supervisor to rate and write about my highlights and areas for improvement.

I don’t know what is so wrong with me. It’s like even when the feedback I get is obviously positive, the way I receive it is not fully felt or absorbed by me. I get the feedback and it’s good, but then it goes past me and I am left chasing my own loop of not-so-positive feedback.

I don’t really think this is a fixable thing where love can be the cure for everything. I’d love for it to be that simple where I meet some guy who is perfect for me in every way and I become a better and more confident person due to his support and encouragement. Real life ain’t that sweet, and the last thing I’d want is to become codependent on someone else just to feel normal and happy.

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Featured Photo by Pixabay.