Every day I think about so many things. I never feel like I have enough time to write all of them down. At times, thinking so much exhausts me in a way I can’t adequately describe in words. If I could try to describe it, it’s like a fatigue from the physicality of the mental space of those thoughts filling me up.
It feels like it has always been like that. A familiarity and newness at the same time because I can tolerate it, while simultaneously not tolerating it. Just get through it somehow. I’m bad at dealing with life, which is why I think even if I continue to improve myself in ways I never thought possible, I won’t want the things most people want.
I still feel incredibly insecure during the instances my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) talks about my brother’s friends and so-and-so is with so-and-so and who recently broke up with who. At times I hear from my dad about the latest drama between my brother and his wife and I have to refrain from rolling my eyes like, This is why it’s so much better being single and not in a relationship. I’ve seen dysfunctions in relationships within my family since I was little, and it’s possible that’s why I have no interest in being with anyone.
I’m tired enough every day taking care of myself, I don’t seem to have room for a significant other. I even had a schoolmate who I was frequently texting (because we were in some of the same classes). After he had moved away to another U.S. state to study at a different college, he suggested we could get to know each other better and possibly date. I was surprised (and also flattered) that he saw me in that kind of light. I did turn him down; mainly because I just had no intent to want to move towards the possibility of dating anyone and I definitely didn’t want to give him hope of anything happening between us other than friendship.
Friendship is another alleyway I have yet to fully grasp. I got a part-time weekend job I really enjoy, despite that it means waking up early on Saturdays and Sundays to go to work instead of the luxury of sleeping in. There is the socialization aspect of my job that makes me SO nervous. I usually have a job partner who is with me for the whole work shift. Sometimes if my partner calls out and is unavailable to work, another person comes to fill in the vacancy for the day. At times the person may be someone I already worked a shift with before or someone who I never met before. I get so anxious meeting a new person, which happened last Saturday. In typical fashion, I slept poorly the night before because I couldn’t stop manically envisioning myself being horribly awkward and making terrible conversation with said person. Instead, it turned out fine. Sure, I was sometimes quiet during the work shift but so was the other person, particularly since the workday started out slow.
And because the lunar new year (Year of the Tiger!) is almost here, I went into a mad frenzy some weeks ago with practicing my origami skills so I could make tiger-shaped envelopes for a few of my current coworkers and the interns/friends I worked with during my summer/fall farm internship. Today I gifted two of those envelopes to my coworkers. I was unbelievably scared of presenting them with my handicrafts. It wasn’t a total surprise since I had asked both of them a specific question (“What is your favorite color?”) weeks ago and I had told them it was related to something I was making them for the lunar new year. The surprise was the color of the envelope matched the color they each chose. Inside each origami tiger envelope was a smaller tiger envelope, and inside that one, I had folded an origami hen and baby chicken. I was happy they liked their gifts.
I had a work day today where I felt things went badly. My perception of those events was negative although that might’ve not necessarily been the perception of other people around me. Again I contemplate, Why do I do this to myself? Just when I think I’ve reached a point where I tried very hard to go beyond my comfort zone, the progress I made feels moot when I find myself struggling to adapt to situations and being terrified of people.
Featured Image by Thomas Bormans on Unsplash.
4 thoughts on “Rediscovery of Social Terrors”
It is good to see you blogging again, even if it’s just when you can 🙂 I so feel you when you say you feel you don’t have enough time to write all your thoughts down. My mind has a habit of racing at fast speed and I get random thoughts popping into my head – and when I’m in the middle of writing down something to do, I might forget the next thing on my mind already.
It sounds like there are quite a few things happening in your family I think it also happens in many Asian families, aka family drama. It’s super draining for me and over the years I’ve learnt to stay out of it all, such as not being a part of Whatsapp groups.
On romantic relationships, all I’ll say is when the right person comes along, it feels easy to be with them. Sure they’ll be challenges, but you’ll feel easy and naturally yourself around them.
Hope you don’t have too many bad days at work. As fellow introvert and person who experiences social anxiety, showing up to work can be draining. It’s like we’re being challenged every day just for interacting with colleagues. Take care 🙂
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It’s so nice to see a post from you! I vanished from here as well, but in hindsight, blogging here was super helpful!
Anyway – I think social anxiety is one of those things that never goes away. Working your job will probably help you a lot! But yeah, it never goes away. The most important thing is finding the time to recharge and take a breath!
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Hey snark! Lol, I remember the days I was always reading your funny posts. Interesting how blogging was such a frequency for us both in the past. It does still help to write sometimes but also a challenge. I feel like the words don’t come as easily to me anymore.. It’s hard to write about just one topic when I’ve got a million different thoughts coming at me every second of the day.
I hate social anxiety!! Having a regular part time job has helped me to feel less like the anxiety is a debilitating crutch that I hang onto. I’m terrified of people still but if I hadn’t continued putting myself out there, I wouldn’t have made the connections I have now with other people. I have to constantly remind myself of the benefits of venturing out into the world instead of being a shut in.