I Don’t Even Know Anymore

I must have been gone too long from this blog because I saw I got a lot of recent follows from what seems like spam blogs. Ugh.

I’ve been here and there but still moving along in life. Or trying to, at least. Most days, I feel as if I just have too many thoughts going on on my mind to even begin writing about. I don’t know where to start. But I guess the only way to know is to start and see what happens.

Every day I am full of fears. I think it’s because I am alive and the survival instinct is biologically built in me. It just sucks that my fears are of the social kind.

People scare me. I’ve been afraid of them all my life. There isn’t a single day where I don’t dread interacting with people. Even seeing and speaking to my therapist, who I recently wrapped up my very last session with on Zoom, still made me sweat under my armpits and had my heart drumming at a fast-fast-slow-fast-fast-slow tempo. I can’t think of one social situation where I don’t feel anxiety and want to avoid it.

The only thing that has changed is I’ve learned to gradually tolerate it more and have less of the “I am a frozen deer in the headlights” reaction. Though it doesn’t mean I’ve completely unlearned that behavior; this is how my body and mind have gotten used to responding under stress for the last 5+ years.

A few years ago I volunteered for a day on an urban farm. I did blog about it, and I reread the entry to recall more clearly the parts of the workday that scared me, like answering an impromptu icebreaker question about what was my favorite birthday memory. On Monday, I began my first day as an intern at that same place.

First days at any place are the hardest for me. I wasn’t that well-rested despite going to bed early the night before, my morning appetite was very small, and I felt on edge assimilating myself to a place I semi-recognized with the added pressure of trying to be calm and chill around so many new people. And that was only one day. I an interning on Fridays (tomorrow) and Sundays as well.

I feel like I am dragging my feet and want to chicken out. Maybe after I do whatever I need to do to get through the day tomorrow, I’ll be reasonably less freaked out. Anytime before an event that is a big deal to me, I find I can’t bring myself to relax and unwind until after everything is taken care of.

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Featured photo by Georg Auffarth on Unsplash.