This is how I have been feeling frequently. The maintenance, the upkeep, the pushing ahead. Life has always been a checklist of things I need to do every day. “Just keep going”, “It gets better in time”, “All that matters is you did your best”. Do phrases like these actually help you get through your day? I don’t know when life has ever felt easy for me. If everyone’s life has a different set of challenges (some within their control and others out of their control), I wonder what I am supposed to take away from the challenges I have. Am I meant to spend the rest of my life trying to conquer them? The constantly pushing and shoving against the tide can be tiring. The moments of peace I have from thinking about the next thing I need to finish or an upcoming virtual appointment I have feels like a false calm.
Feelings. Why are they so hard to deal with? I’ve been s*** at regularly journaling in real life. Lately I’ve fallen into a pattern of thinking about destressing by writing down relevant things at the end of a day. All I do is think about it and to actually physically go through the motions of picking up my paper journal and opening it to a fresh page to begin writing frightens me and I never end up going through with it. In a few instances, yes, I managed to write but on those nights, it’s like I use up all my energy to go into an all-out frenzy of jumbled and rambling thoughts and I never feel satisfied with everything I’ve recorded on paper. There is so much that goes round in my head all day, every day, that I don’t put into words. There is both the fear those thoughts will be left unwritten and not fully deciphered in words and they’ll die with me one day, or that by writing down them, I am giving myself evidence of just how much of a mess I truly am.