emotions · feelings · life · memories · mental health · Thoughts and feelings

Spots in My Memory

I am a frequent user of the Spotify app on my phone. I love that the program allows me to create custom playlists of songs I enjoy. While I typically use Spotify on my phone, I also have it on my desktop computer. Yesterday I happened to have it open while I was busy on the computer. It was great to be able to bypass the limited amount of skips as I have a habit of hitting the skip button until I get to whatever song I am in the mood for.

I noticed a “Liked from Radio” playlist that I forgot I ever had. They’re songs I hit the “đź’š” icon on when they played for a select radio shuffle, and from doing this, all the songs I marked ended up in that playlist. I am not 100% how it works even after years of using Spotify. Sometimes I start a shuffle for songs from a select artist of my choosing, like Lana Del Rey, and somewhere along the way after several songs, the shuffle changes on its own to a “radio” where it starts playing songs which are similar in genre or style to Lana Del Rey.

Anyway, I skimmed the playlist’s songs. I recognized old favorites of mine that I still listen to. Within that list, I was bewildered to find many that I did not remember adding nor could I recall by memory what the song(s) sounded like. A quick glance at the date of when these songs were added placed the playlist’s creation in 2015. 5 years ago.

I am not saying I should have incredible recollection of everything that occurred 5 years ago; much less a playlist of songs that is a teeny blimp on the map of my life. Some songs I recognized the artist name but couldn’t place why on earth I decided (at the time) to add that specific song.

It was just so weird; the idea that I at some point added each and every song and many of them faded into obscurity within the crevices of my mind. I played some songs for a few seconds to see if I could jog my memory. Some songs dimly registered with me. Oh yeah, now I remember. That’s how that song went, I thought. I didn’t have as much luck with other songs. I listened to the tunes and recognized the vocal style of the artists (if I was familiar with the singer from other songs) but the actual songs in question didn’t help me remember any fondness I must have had for them that led to me adding them to the playlist.

A few songs made me remember painful things in my life that I associated the songs with. So which is better? To forget or not. I get so stubborn when I can’t remember and it’s like running a looped race as I go around and around hoping what I am looking for turns up. The worst is being blank on something and the relief of forgetting, only I can’t stop the wheels in my mind from turning and poking about until I do remember and that is horrible.

5 years ago I was 25 years old. I can’t immediately recall what was going on for me then. The years are all jumbled up in one, big endless dark cloud. Is it easier for the brain to remember only things it deems significant? I have a vague memory of a few years ago, maybe within that 5 year range or even older, of seeing photographs of myself and the people in it. If not for the photographic evidence, I probably wouldn’t believe it if others told me I was present for so and so event at so and so place. It seemed like I blocked out things. I mean this in the least melodramatic way possible, but the psychoanalytic part of me wonders if the spots in memory are there because I associated those memories with trauma.

2 thoughts on “Spots in My Memory

    1. Yes, it is a good surprise when a suggested song is exactly what I was looking for. Well, sometimes it’s not about looking and more like it appears and it’s love at first listen lol.


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