I feel like sh*t. Many things could be the reason why I want to fly off the handle or generally want to give up on life and stop giving a f*ck about everything and anything. I honestly don’t know what is normal and what isn’t anymore. I just finished watching the HBO series Euphoria. The narrative style of one of the main characters, Rue, and how she described in one particular episode about the state of her depression was so exact to my own experience with it. Of course her experiences were not a blow-by-blow of mine but I saw similarities. Like how she was cooped up in her darkened room, numb and unexpressive as she mindlessly passed the hours by bingeing Love Island on her laptop. My fix was never reality tv though; it used to be an obsession with watching Youtube let’s play videos for hours on end.
I felt like I got suckerpunched in the chest hearing her describe trying to recall her happier times, while I was also seeing the on-screen visual of her memories fading out as her depression was literally erasing the remembrance of joy from her mind. That too was too real for me. As was her explanation of how time becomes lost to her as it goes on and the days blend together with the acceptance that everything will stay as stagnant as it is now.
I was a moody mess yesterday after a day of library time and then lots of walking. I don’t know how to put it into words. I was fine on my own because I had the fortune of an empty house since no one was home in the morning. By the end of the day when I came home after being outdoors for the rest of the afternoon, I felt off and not very talkative around my parents despite spending my day having spoken to almost no one.
The feeling was akin to like being fine with my solitude and glad I could push myself to go out. I was technically around other people, strangers, in public without the pressure of having to engage with them. Then I returned home and it felt like because I was in the shared space that I have with my parents, that I have to come out of my solitude to converse with them. The readjustment made me resentful and irritable.
Am I even in the right mind now? I’ve had anxiety all my life and have had depressive moods on and off before. The thing is sometimes it happens and it’s manageable. These days it’s like I want and also don’t want to be around people. I waffle between decisions and not making decisions. My period predictor says I am one day away from starting my menstrual cycle. I do tend to get moody and b*tchy before it, is that why I am so restless and infinitely miserable?