anxiety · depression · mental health · social anxiety

Infinitely Moody 😐

I feel like sh*t. Many things could be the reason why I want to fly off the handle or generally want to give up on life and stop giving a f*ck about everything and anything. I honestly don’t know what is normal and what isn’t anymore. I just finished watching the HBO series Euphoria. The narrative style of one of the main characters, Rue, and how she described in one particular episode about the state of her depression was so exact to my own experience with it. Of course her experiences were not a blow-by-blow of mine but I saw similarities. Like how she was cooped up in her darkened room, numb and unexpressive as she mindlessly passed the hours by bingeing Love Island on her laptop. My fix was never reality tv though; it used to be an obsession with watching Youtube let’s play videos for hours on end.

I felt like I got suckerpunched in the chest hearing her describe trying to recall her happier times, while I was also seeing the on-screen visual of her memories fading out as her depression was literally erasing the remembrance of joy from her mind. That too was too real for me. As was her explanation of how time becomes lost to her as it goes on and the days blend together with the acceptance that everything will stay as stagnant as it is now.

I was a moody mess yesterday after a day of library time and then lots of walking. I don’t know how to put it into words. I was fine on my own because I had the fortune of an empty house since no one was home in the morning. By the end of the day when I came home after being outdoors for the rest of the afternoon, I felt off and not very talkative around my parents despite spending my day having spoken to almost no one.

The feeling was akin to like being fine with my solitude and glad I could push myself to go out. I was technically around other people, strangers, in public without the pressure of having to engage with them. Then I returned home and it felt like because I was in the shared space that I have with my parents, that I have to come out of my solitude to converse with them. The readjustment made me resentful and irritable.

Am I even in the right mind now? I’ve had anxiety all my life and have had depressive moods on and off before. The thing is sometimes it happens and it’s manageable. These days it’s like I want and also don’t want to be around people. I waffle between decisions and not making decisions. My period predictor says I am one day away from starting my menstrual cycle. I do tend to get moody and b*tchy before it, is that why I am so restless and infinitely miserable?

6 thoughts on “Infinitely Moody 😐

  1. Yes, that is probably why. Are you getting any help for your depression and anxiety and PMS? Talk to a female doctor about it. You don’t have to keep feeling like this. If the doctor won’t help, go to a different one! Sometimes they aren’t very helpful to women.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I recently changed my primary care physician online. I’ve had a male GP for the last few years and to be honest I didn’t go this year because seeing him has always been a bit uncomfortable for me. Now I have a female GP that I picked but I haven’t made an appointment to see her yet. I am kinda scared to. Not sure what to except or if I can even manage to explain to the doctor what I feel is wrong with me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey Nat, I know what a huge step it seems to talk to a doctor about your mental health. I was too terrified to do that for years. However, last month I felt so low again I finally decided that talking to a doctor can’t be worse than years of suffering with anxiety and depression, and it was a huge relief. Very uncomfortable, yes, but the doctor was extremely understanding and helpful. Like you, it seemed impossible for me to explain my problems to a doctor, so I just brought along a piece of paper with a summary of all the depressive and anxious symptoms I was experiencing and handed it over to her. I was shaking and on the verge of bursting out in tears the whole time, but that’s okay; the doctor saw I was struggling a lot and was super comforting. I’m now on antidepressants and in therapy (which is truly not as scary as it seems), and I’m so glad I don’t have to go through this alone anymore. Talking about it with a mental health professional took such a huge burden off my shoulders. Anyway, sorry for the long rant, Nat. This is just to say: I know how you’re feeling right now and how scary seeking help seems, but I promise you it’s totally worth it. You don’t have to suffer like this alone. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, I remember reading about your journey with getting professional help. I am definitely scared to tell the doctor my symptoms and what I believe I am suffering from, but I am more worried about what will happen after.

        Medication is something I’ve gone back and forth on. When I was younger, I was desperate to go on them but I was not of age at the time so my mom was the one who refused to allow me to even try them because she was of the opinion pills would just make me sleepy and dependent on them. I have been deeply afraid for many years of any side effects I will get from taking pills, or if they either don’t work for me or make me feel worse. Then there is also the fact I have never been able to swallow pills. Even taking aspirin, I’ve had to use chewable tablets since my throat seems to just instinctively close up when I try to ingest a cut up pill.

        Much like you, I am not out in the open about my mental health with my parents because they don’t understand it and I am just not comfortable sharing my business with them. I know you can empathize very much with my situation, particularly since we’re both still under the same roof as our parents and it is hard enough to have privacy too ourselves, let alone going out and the parents want to know where their kid is going.

        As for therapy, I am less interested in it because I’ve been in therapy and it is both costly and the effectiveness of it seems to wear off the longer I am in therapy, where my progress gets stunted or I get restless with constantly talking about my feelings. I do have insurance but have no idea how much can be covered by it, and there’s the headache of working around how to keep my parents from finding out I am getting billed for therapy, because what usually happens is the medical service rendered is shown on a paper record that comes in the mail. I’ve heard I can get paperless statements instead but I’ll have to look into how to do that.

        Like

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