Thought Ramble

I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s my life and only I can push myself to go forward. But to where? Many possibilities have opened up my way in the past. Some I took and others I veered off of it to go onto another path. I can never turn back from where I came, which in my perspective is not possible option in the game of life.

I am alive yet I don’t know what the point is. I find things to occupy my time but I feel doubtful sometimes if those things actually make me happy, or am I just going after things because I am too afraid to try other things?

Change is not going to happen for me if I don’t take action. When I do nothing, it feels like the world around me is changing while I stay inactive. The terror of risk, of trying and failing or trying and struggling, it terrifies me. The thought alone used to be enough self-persuasion to not try at all and remain an avoidant recluse. Now it’s a little different, where the more I try to move and adapt, every second is an eternity that stretches on and on and a good outcome somehow still feels painfully negative in my perspective.

The motion of change is subjective. I can’t see myself changing until a long period has passed. I worry about things days in advance before the thing even happens. It spoils my mood and sets up stupid expectations I have for the situation, when really what occurs when it occurs aren’t things I can foretell accurately. One little upset or mistake I make and I become convinced I need to abort myself from everything. I am scared, so very scared of not knowing how to do things or being good enough.