I am in a state of worry, but there is a comfort in being able to acknowledge it and not trying to fight the tension. Things come and go. I actually had a good day today. The weather was wonderful enough that I wore shorts when I went outside. Just as that bit of happiness was fleeting and came to an end, the beginning of fear doesn’t mean forever although it can certainly feel like it will be.
I am reasonably nervous. But not overwhelmed. I did some things right tonight. I journaled earlier this evening; wrote about two pages of whatever was on my mind. Then I ran through a repetition of positive affirmations on the InnerHour app. Two of the ones that mean the most to me now: “I accept things the way they are” and “I can let go of my thoughts”. After that I did some light reading (an actual book, not my phone) before turning in for the night. A half hour later of sleeplessness and here I am with my phone screen dimmed down as I am typing out this.
I was really hoping to be asleep by now as I have an early morning tomorrow. My alarm is set to go off at 6:15 AM. I haven’t woken up that early in ages. It will be Friday, my first day in school. I am grateful I already prepared my lunch in advance and threw in everything I needed into my bag. Four pens, a notepad, my umbrella (in case it rains), two 2×2 passport-sized photos, and $25 for the school textbook fee. I even laid out the clothes I will be wearing. Casual attire, thankfully.
I don’t know what my struggle is meant to teach me. That I can do what I can beforehand to prepare for a big anxious event and still have it not be enough to calm me down completely? That being scared is okay and I will get through it?
There is what I worry about and what I think will happen, both things that balloon into terrifying shadows in my mind. But the things that actually happen are never as horrible, even when the proposed situation I am thinking of occurs.
I don’t know how many times I must go through this to stop being afraid. I’ve been afraid all my life. Right now this moment feels enormous when really it’s just another blip in my life. Before I know it, the day will progress and be over again. Someday in the future when I am in a different place in life. I’ll probably look back on this blog post and remember how hard it seemed.