Never Good Enough

Many years ago, when the daily struggle of functioning on a basic level was harder then than it is now, I remember looking at myself in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. I was still picking at my facial scabs quite often at the time.

My reconstruction of this memory may be a mix of many memories because it’s impossible to recall all the details from a single incident. But I did find myself in front of that mirror many times; looking and looking at the reality of me and wondering if there could ever be a life where I was someone more confident, more successful, more vivacious. Happier, maybe? A pretty fantasy. I think the same thought I did then: even if I had it all, the looks, the opportunities, the riches, I would most definitely still be unhappy. And if not, I would find a flaw to be unhappy about.

Happiness itself is so subjective. Some of what I have in my life now are sources of happiness, though I am not always mindful of them. More often than not, I forget to be grateful and I just get lost in what I don’t have or what I want to have and that brings out an ugly side of me. By not being mindful and grateful, a lot of times I don’t feel fully present in situations where my focus becomes lacking because although I look as if I present, in my mind I am racing off to the next thing. I am quicker to impatience, my tongue looser in how I choose to speak. It feels like I don’t know how to still be there for other people while I am going through something.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be getting an answer about a certain something from someone. I know that is a convoluted explanation. Maybe when it’s over I will be less secretive about it. The answer is a matter of great importance to me, but knowing myself, I don’t know if even a positive outcome will be enough for me, as I know reality can never fit my exact expectations.

Having expectations in general seems moot. It will never be what I think it will be, and getting a semblance of what I want only makes me greedy to have every other part of my expectations met as well. Is nothing ever good enough for me, whether I get my heart’s desire or not?