It’s insomnia o’clock for me again. Yay. 😑 I feel some of my more recent posts are indicative of the sorry mental state I’ve been in. There is still a lot up in the air that I haven’t chosen to write about yet.
The good news is what is keeping me awake is something I’ll deal with bright and early at 9:30 am in the morning. The bad news is I have to haul a** by 7:30 am if I want to have enough time to eat before flying out of the house.
I am trying to breathe slowly in and out and reminding myself it’s not going to be that scary. No, it’s not a spur-of-the-moment job interview (thank goodness it isn’t, or I would really be losing it now). But it is a new situation I will be in and it is not knowing what to expect which has my stomach in knots.
Technically I probably would feel f*cked either way. Because even if I knew what to expect, it would still be unexpected as the reality of being in the situation is never going to play out exactly like my imagination. I am like a dog chasing its own tail in a repeated circle. Not even my rationality, my capability to see the logic in this reasoning, is enough to stop me. I know I am never going to catch the tail (my expectations) but I keep going after it anyway. I am confounded by the frustrating intricacies of my brain, these learned and obsessive ways of thinking, that obviously are going to take perhaps my whole lifetime to undo.
The work of actually doing it seems so massive. By all appearances, on the outside I look fine or “normal”. I have moments of confusion, wondering if it would be better if my outside matched my inside, as proof I am not entirely well. Half the time I don’t know what I am doing. Am I a fraud for hiding my feelings? Or am I just like one of the millions living with undiagnosed anxiety problems and trudging on somehow? What is normal and what is not, I don’t even know anymore. Part of me feels I’ll always be a bit unwell because it’s just a piece of me that is here to stay.