Alone or Together

I know I am a person capable of much even though I have anxiety. I get anxious over purportedly “dumb” things. I belittle myself in this way because of the many times I’ve been in the moment of being actively anxious and how stuck I am. I think, Why am I feeling anxiety over this? Why does it seem like everyone else can do the task easily and I can’t? Still nowadays in my worst fits I wonder why I am unable to just “get over it” without mulling over and acknowledging the anxiety. I guess if I had it my way, I would prefer to run away from my own feelings and not think about anything at all but in the longrun that is neither helpful or healthy.

When I’m by myself in public, there are things I am able to do on my own now that were once out of the question for me to attempt. It used to be paralyzing to even think about trying to fight what was giving me so much pain. Selecting out a few things at the convenience store and paying for it at the counter. Entering a cafe or bakery to place an order. Eating food in public. Making eye contact. Wearing clothes or jewelery I like. Volunteering and interacting with other people. Walking through a crowded area. Attending an event by myself.

I still struggle, in varying low to high degrees, with doing some of these things because of a combination of the difficulty in pushing myself to actually DO IT and the mild or intense anxiety that arise from worrying about what might happen if I confront my fears.

This post is convenient timing given the subject matter since I neglected to mention (as I meant to do a week or two earlier) about another guest post I did for the wonderful mental health awareness blog, You, Me & Anxiety. In this particular post, I wrote about getting minor anxiety over buying a muffin. Yes, a muffin. Don’t laugh at me! 😣

Opposed to the hurdles I face if I’m alone, what about the times I am with someone else? I see differences in the things I feel I “can’t” do depending on which person I am with.

On Friday I was hanging out with my friend Eve who had come from Norway to vacation in NYC. We have been online friends for years and finally met in-person!

While we had plans to grab coffee and chat for a bit before seeing a movie together, I got there a few minutes late and so we decided to head to the theater first instead. I semi-knew the way there but needed to navigate the directions on my phone. Had I been by myself, I would have stood there squinting to see which street side was the correct direction to go towards. Or paced down one way to see if my location on the phone map changed in the right way, or attempt to match the nearby stores listed on the map to figure out where I was direction-wise. Asking a stranger for help would have been a resounding H*LL NO in my mind due to my unanimous fear of being annoying by bothering the person. In this case, I did the opposite because I was with Eve and I felt responsibility for taking charge or we’d be late for the movie. So the rush of anxiety pumping in my body but once it was apparent I didn’t know which side of the street was which, I locked eyes with a street ticket seller and quickly asked him.

I am fine walking on my own in silence but I felt a little sensitive about the brief intervals of quiet between Eve and I as we walked. Maybe it wasn’t that weird since I had to keep looking at my phone to make sure we were going the right way plus we kept having to dodge people on the street because of how crowded it was. This wasn’t exactly an ideal for strolling and leisurely conversation. I could have been too nervous just from these situational factors. After we got our tickets, I almost wanted to buy popcorn so we could share it. But it seemed to be bad timing since the movie was set to begin in 4 minutes and we climbed 5 floors of escalators just to find the right room. So I didn’t ask her.

Then we went to Starbucks after the movie. We didn’t order together but I still got jittery from talking to the cashier. I just got an iced coffee though my original plans was to get food too. My sense is I felt more nervous about doing stuff with Eve after chatting with her online for so long and not having the experience of meeting her until now. There’s a first time for everything. Including eating in front of her, which I chickened out of. 😲 I wish I hadn’t felt that way as she ordered food and it would’ve been fine for me to eat too. To clarify, yes, I knew what she looked like beforehand (we are longtime Facebook friends). It was more about shyness of eating and wondering if I got crumbs on my mouth or made a mess even if I tried not to. It’s funny how astronomically blown-up this seemed at the time I was thinking it. The horror of a croissant flake sticking to my teeth! Oh no! Eve got a smidge of cream cheese on her lip that, to me, seemed normal to happen while eating and I even thought she looked cute. Meanwhile moments earlier when I backed out of ordering food, I imagined a similar scenario happening for me with embarrassing results. 😑 I am unrelentingly harsh on myself yet if it’s someone else, I have nothing but sympathy. Argh!

Overall I think the hangout went well. We sat down to chill with our drinks/food and talked. It was a great opportunity to practice my listening and conversation skills and share things about myself. I learned new things about Eve, like that she is allergic to cats and pollen and she likes the comic strips from Calvin and Hobbes. We also took several selfies together. I never thought there would be a day where she and I could be in the same photo together, haha.

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Featured Image by Curriculum Photografia.