It’s only the second day in a row of a mixture of cloudy and rainy weather, but I am going a little insane from staying indoors today. Commonly, in the hours before I go out, I get caught up thinking about the small things, like if I can actually bring myself to make my wish into a reality. It’s the two-sided mentality I have, again. I know my own thought patterns. I could intend to attend something but wake up in the morning feeling too lazy to get out of bed promptly so I have adequate time to get ready. Then I’ll allow a minute or two to go by as I internally weigh the situation and decide I’d rather stay to the habits I am familiar with instead of shoving myself out of my comfort zone. Or, I force myself to stay in my comfort zone once I realize I am purposely stalling for time and there’s no point in trying if I’m going to be late. And of course, once I’ve come to this choice, I hate myself more for being weak.
All I know is, I won’t stay home tomorrow. I have a three-hour event to attend. Three hours is like nothing, but I even made sure to make this the only thing on my upcoming schedule just so I wouldn’t be thinking about other upcoming things on my calendar. It helps to look at the transit route I intend to take and calculate how long it’ll take me to travel from point A to point B. I also prefer setting my clothes out to save time in the morning when I change into them. It helps to relax and unwind before going to bed too. The extra nervousness is there because I’ll be in an unfamiliar setting doing unfamiliar things. That’s normal to feel. I don’t know how I’ll be in that environment, but as I hope to make this a recurring event I will attend, the first time there can be a learning experience for next time. I suppose it’s like an actor giving a stage performance for the very first time, which is not going to be perfect and without a mistake or two.
I’m going to try hard to believe in myself, even though the voice in my head is telling me that I can’t go out because I look awful because of the teeny pimple on my chin. Or because I have nothing to wear. Or no one is going to want my help at the event anyway and I’m better off secluding myself at home. Or I’m incapable of change. All these things are not true. I feel anxious. So what, bring it on.