I lightly tidied up the table beside my desktop computer for the first time in months. A bit odd to realize that the mess of papers and books were in the same exact spots they were in as 2017 came to a close. Habitually, I do tend to have things laying around. I might take something out and plop it on the table if I’m going to be using it. Then I end up leaving it there without putting it away if I know I will need it later or mean to use it again in a couple of hours. The problem is I slip down the path of not putting it away if, let’s say, a day or two goes by where I don’t use it, but in my mind I assure myself, Oh, it’s fine, maybe I’ll need it tomorrow. Or the day after. That’s when days turn into weeks and before I know it, the pile been there for months. Such was the fate of my stack of papers and books.
Once I get into the habit of leaving stuff where it is, I not only get used to seeing it occupy the space that it does, but I feel unmotivated about even lifting a finger to tuck it away into storage. I wouldn’t say it’s a type of anxiety. I know what full-blown anxiety feels like and this isn’t it. Instead it was like a weird, quiet hum in the hub of my mind, where I was not exactly afraid to make a move by grabbing the papers yet I was perturbed about what it would mean if I did seize them and clear them from the table. Almost like… I knew I was being a stupid procrastinator but I got so used to seeing the mess. I felt weirdly resistant to moving anything and also fatigued from not changing anything in the situation. It was like a constant tug and pull until this morning when I finally sorted through the papers; a lot of which was garbage that went into the recycling bin. See, that wasn’t so hard, lol.
Similarly, I have an aversion to putting away my freshly washed and folded clothes. I’ll leave it on the dresser for days on end and watch the whole stack double in height over the week as more clean clothes are eventually placed on top of the existing heap. Why am I so lazy?? The odd thing is I’m only this way for certain things. Like, I have no problem taking off my coat after getting home and hanging it up in the closet when I have the option of just tossing it on the couch and dealing with it later if I wanted to. Also, the thing about clothes. I leave folded shirts and pants out on the dresser but I absolutely won’t do that for my underwear, which I always place in the drawer right after folding them. I periodically leave one of my bedroom closet doors open from time to time as well. I never used to do this when I was younger but in the last year or two, it’s become a frequent occurrence. Hey, it’s my room and I can do what I want with it, right? The times I notice the closet door has been pushed back in by someone else (my neat freak mom, obviously, lol), I get a sense of both mild irritation and resigned compliance. I’m annoyed because it feels like, well, was there anything actually wrong with leaving the closet open as it was? and also, fine, I’m being dumb, there was no reason to not close it.
Don't mind me, I'm justanervousgirl. 
nice post! I’ve also just been posting on procrastination (from a neuropsychological point of view). You may want to check it out 🙂
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Thanks for stopping by! I’ll check out your post when I get the chance. It sounds like it will be an interesting read. ☺
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Reading this, I felt like I was seeing myself. We are so similar. I also have a habit of not wanting to put my freshly washed and folded clothes right away, preferring to leave them stacked up in a pile on the floor or chair. Underwear that I put away. I can’t stand it when my closet door is open. If someone comes over and they open the closet door and leave it like that, I wonder why don’t they close it. Why is someone moving my things around? Then I also question myself why I like things a certain way.
Same with the things on my desk. Sometimes I’ll leave things there thinking I will attend to it later. Maybe I might need it. But also more so I know I’ll have to put it away at some stage, and in my mind it’s oddly comforting to me to know I have something to do at that point in the future, like sort of a meaning for making it to another day. I guess that ties back with anxiety – you know, like how anxiety makes you weird and you want some sense of belonging or purpose and funnily enough having things to attend to in the future no matter how trivial, makes me feel better right now. Bit confusing but I hope that makes sense. Maybe you can explain it better than me, lol.
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I get the “why is someone moving my stuff?” feeling too. My clothing drawers used to be so disorganized to the point I would just shove clothes in. Then one day I opened one to see it was all orderly and of course I knew my mom had gone and refolded everything lol. I was more bothered by the fact she saw my mess and cleaned up for me rather than being bothered by her cleaning up without telling me. Haha, it’s funny I like the closet door open and you like yours closed.
When I said I don’t feel anxiety about leaving stuff where they are, I meant it in the sense I don’t feel anxious about having the things there or feeling like I need to have them there. Whenever I analyze the motivations behind my behavior, it’s like analyzing a new concept that is not as easy to form into words. But you explained what I think I was trying to grasp at. There really is a comfort in having something out and waiting for me with the possibility of a future plan.
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‘There really is a comfort in having something out and waiting for me with the possibility of a future plan’ This is so well said. It not only makes you wanted but feel a sense of purpose. Lol, it is quite weird from the outset because it is such a simple chore…I suppose for us on the outset, the simple things are what we enjoy.
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