Crazed Nightmare & Seeing Myself As I Am

This morning, I had the most horrible nightmare. It is my worst one to date, I think. I don’t know if this is just me, but the nightmares I have during morning hours (like 7-9 AMish) are more vivid and I’m able to remember them more easily after I wake up. The whole time in the nightmare, I thought what I experienced was truly reality. It was terrifying. I had left to meet my family at a restaurant for lunch but somehow got lured into a building by a woman who smuggled me into a room where I was held as a prisoner for some kind of scientific experiment. What frightened me most was being stuck in that place with other women and we were all barred from leaving. My belongings had been taken and I had no way of calling for help. A sick feeling overcame me as I realized my family would likely never know where I disappeared to. My first night there I befriended another woman named Katherina. As I whispered to her to ask if anyone ever escaped, she told me about how she once got out into the hallway but a guard caught her. Apparently since then, security got tighter and there was now always a guard posted outside. On another day, I was strapped into a chair and hooked up to a device. The madam in charge of the experiment had a couple of men helping her strap the women in. I was disgusted when one of the men came onto me by suggestively running his hand down my shoulder and down the length of my arm. Ugh!! During the experiment, I was given a set of questions on a tablet to answer. Everytime I answered incorrectly, I got an electrical jolt as punishment. Soon the questions became nonsensical. I became angry realizing the madam rigged things in this way so I would get shocked no matter what. I ended up throwing the tablet across the room, which stunned everyone into silence. No idea why, but one of the men showed sympathy for me. My defiance seemed to interest the madam and she unstrapped me before leading me out of the room. I thought it was a trick. I followed her all the way back to the receptionist desk where my belongings were confiscated. The receptionist was a vile person… She actually pretended to not know she had taken my bag. Amazingly, I was allowed to walk out but by then I felt like I had escaped within an inch of my life. In my mind I swore to get outside aid to free the other women, however, I was helpless from the trauma from the experience. I saw a woman being electrocuted on my way out and that made me burst into tears as I recalled my own ordeal. I woke feeling like my breath came out in a silent gasp of relief. Thank goodness it was not real. I can hardly imagine where or why such a nightmare was borne from my subconsciousness…

I see myself in the mirror everyday but today I paid more attention because I perceived I looked worse than usual. My messy bedhead hair was slightly greasy at the top of my scalp and very limp. Without my glasses on, my dark circles looked more prominent to me. Looking at my unsmiling and unwashed face, I felt ugly. Yet as I later rubbed moisturizing lotion on my skin, I got a sense of comfort in the intimacy of seeing myself like no one else ever will.