To Know a Person

I have not quite found my place yet. I am not sure if I will feel more comfortable the more I change and grow in 2018. In this world, it’s hard to truly know a person just as much as it’s difficult for someone to truly know me. I used to think how sad that is but now I see it as something that is there and cannot be denied. There are things about me not even my own family know about. Or, they know but have their own interpretation of the truth in a situation.

I was thinking about all the times I have let them believe what they want about me. It’s not that I don’t wish to correct them if they recall I acted in a specific way and they have their own perception of why I behaved like that, while I have my own remembrance of my actions and motivations. This is a layer of me that I don’t trust to share with them. I don’t want to bother drudging up the past to them, but also, sharing my take on a past situation can backfire. How many times has it gone badly, where I was vulnerable and took a chance with opening up, only to feel like I was being dismissed or not acknowledged? Just let the dust settle where it is, even if it seems wrong to me. I’m never gonna be a person who has deep, heartfelt talks with my parents. I can’t help it if some echoes of how I was raised has influenced me in adulthood too. There is never going to be a mutual understanding; only acceptance from me that I’ve made the decision to close the book.