anxiety · emotions · fears · feelings · flaws · writing

Intensity of Emotion

The gush of emotion is unadulterated and cuts me at the quick. It comes; unexpected and at full force. Every time. I’ve had years to learn ways to control how I react when the emotion is too intense, too much for me to handle. My methods have succeeded sometimes and failed in others. I’ve become a tornado of stilted emotion. Trying to curb my own immediate responses to specific emotions because I worry about appearing too… silly, awkward, stupid, or dumb. Did I smile too much? Was I too giddy? What if my laugh sounds annoying? And then, there is the other side of the spectrum. Oh, don’t start crying. But wait, if I don’t cry, I’ll look too cold. Which is it? I don’t know which emotion I handle the worst. Probably anger. It’s like a boiling, simmering mess inside me when it grows and infects me so everything I touch is poisoned. Why do I let myself be so bothered? I feel the obligation to hold it all in. Many times my efforts to contain it are pathetic. I run away from it. I don’t acknowledge it or let myself understand how I am feeling. In the end I get angry at myself for being angry. I get angry at being anxious. I get angry at being afraid of things and situations. I get angry from blaming myself for setting myself up for failure before I even start on something. Most of all, I get angry at being feeling these friggin’ thing called emotions. This could be so much easier if I were just a vegetable that felt nothing. I think that in my worst times of contemplation when I’d rather be a numb robot than be human. I can’t choose which emotions I feel. They’re just there.

Featured Image by Rhendi Rukmana.

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