anxiety · fears · life · phobia · phone anxiety · ramblings · random · social anxiety · worrying · writing

Life Reflections

I’ve been to just about nowhere in the last week or so. The days feel shorter, which I blame on the early sunsets. Very few people in my neighborhood put up Christmas decorations, though it’s a cheering sight to see one house turns on their Christmas lights once it gets dark out. I remember a time as a kid when my home had holiday lights outside too, but my parents did it more for me than they cared to be festive. Nowadays I would not dream of advocating for putting up those lights. It’s not a matter of not wanting to decorate and more about being conscious of the expenses incurred by it because I wouldn’t be the one paying for the electricity costs.

I am both glad and irritated by the importance of money in this world. And especially since I am still jobless, I get even more self-conscious of the resources I am using in the household, and the fact nothing in the home I currently live in, except for the personal belongings in my room, are truly mine. I’m simply a person who lives here and looks forward to when I can sustain myself with my own income and hopefully have enough to move out. I am not happy here in this home. I long to live alone in the privacy of my own space without my housemates being my own parents. I want financial independence and the ability to earn and spend my own money. The old Nat of three years ago, if she were writing this now, she would use this post to descend into a frenzy of venting about how much her situation sucks and how much she wants to get out of it, yet she would’ve been too trapped in her own anxiety to do even the smallest thing to change.

I have been taking some steps. I had a bit of an internal freak out because I had gotten no response from a recruiter who initially contacted me via email about an upcoming job interview. He was supposed to email me again to confirm the interview date and location, but when that email never came, I simply could not stop thinking about what was going on at his end of the situation. Did I not get selected for the interview? Did he email me and somehow I did not receive it? Emailing him with a cordial message about my continued interest in the interview merited no reply. My online application status didn’t show that I was rejected from the position yet, either. I had been counting on him to respond as I wanted to avoid my second-most hated thing: telephone calls.

Still, when that anxiety seizes up and grabs hold of me, I feel so not myself. It’s like losing all my control because anxiety is the one telling me what to do or what not to do. Hundreds of scenarios flashed by in my mind and kept me from calling right away. It got to the point I was fidgety all day; unable to be at complete ease. Pins and needles. I hated how little hope I held for myself in believing I could do it. Every time I put it off, I loathed myself even more for not getting it done, only to wake up the next day and have a sneaking suspicion that I would do the same thing as I did yesterday. You would not believe the sort of thoughts holding me back. My anxiety had an excuse at every turn for not calling. Call first thing in the morning at 9 AM? “No, maybe that’s too early… perhaps in another hour.” It’s an hour later, will you call now? “I wanted to, but I’m in the middle of doing something else now. And I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.” Okay, you already and have the spare time to call now. “I don’t know… I’ve just started my first coffee of the day and I feel too caffeinated to do anything.” It’s now almost noon, how about now? “Right after I finish this one thing.” It’s half past 3 PM and still not too late to call. “But now do you know that for sure? It’s so close to 4 PM… maybe it’s too late to call. What if no one picks up?” And on and on.

It was on one of these days, after obsessively checking my application status and my email inbox every day since getting no response, that I reluctantly resigned myself to ending another day without calling. The reluctance is something I settle for by letting my anxiety win. It’s an excuse to give myself “out” where I feel like I’m just too weak to fight my own fears and that it’s what I deserve as someone who is too afraid. What changed for me was having the persistent thought that I would never get a proper answer if I didn’t call.

It was literally like 6 PM and I saw the situation for what it was. I was letting myself be ruled by the fear that one little phone call that probably wouldn’t even last 2 minutes was going to be a stain on my existence for the rest of my life or something. This is how bad my anxiety is! I took a deep breath and found a quiet room where I could be alone to make the call. You could say I was still too nervous at this point. When someone on the main line picked up (after I bypassed the automated system), I was able to speak but trying hard not to stutter too much. I was most surprised how casual the lady on the phone was and how she sounded like she was used to people inquiring about the stuff I was asking about. In the end I did get some information though I’m not sure I have faith in it. Apparently the recruiter may be late in getting back to me because of the holiday season and I’ll have to wait for any followup emails…

I applied for the same job position but at a different store location, and I guess either the supervisor or hiring manager there was the one who called me yesterday. She left me a message to call her back. Ugh, why is it even when people phone me and actually tell me they want to hear back from me, I am still scared?? I phoned in today. Less stuttering from me but I think I rambled more because I got told the manager wasn’t there for the day and I had to explain why I called (because the woman said she didn’t hear me the first time). I am proud that I saved myself the pain of agonizing about the situation and made the effort to call, though I am slightly disappointed that I wasn’t able to talk to the manager yet.

I can already imagine myself working there if I pass the interview and get hired. Or do I have my head in the clouds again? With past jobs I’ve applied to, every time it seemed like I envisioned I was a good fit for the position but I went after jobs I idealized for myself and then couldn’t take the unexpected challenges of the job. No doubt every job has challenges and after so many failures, I do have a bit of a feel of the type of jobs I want to stay away from because those haven’t worked out for me at all. There was a time I thought data entry jobs, office jobs, or any job where I could just be placed in front of a computer and be as uninvolved as possible with other people were the only work positions I could handle. Instead that kind of environment has only exacerbated my anxiety. People scare me, but I am starting to believe I need people, and if I can be in a job where I have to interact with people, it could help me.

Wow, that one topic took up the bulk of my blog post… okay. What else is going on with my life… I wonder if I am getting sick or my body is just reacting to the wintery temperatures. Yesterday I woke up with a dry and sore throat. Drinking lots of hot water helped, along with a few lozenges. I expect the dryness will continue to persist though. Today I developed a bit of a cough because of it. Oh no.

I’m still on the “no shampoo” (or no-poo) challenge for my hair. I haven’t tried the baking soda and apple cider vinegar wash that is supposed to help; mostly because I haven’t got around to buying ACV yet. The oil in my hair has definitely gone down since I started this challenge in October-ish. The starting weeks of no-poo were the worst, actually, because my hair produced even more oil as a response to the absence of shampoo that usually strips away all the oil. I remember days where the back of my head was so gummy that I tied up my hair to hide it. Some weeks ago I noticed my hair still felt oily even after I preened and then washed with water, but one alternative method that helped curb the oiliness from staying after a wash is using aloe vera gel in the shower like how I would use shampoo.

I got my period for the first time since I don’t know when. I do not recall getting it last month or maybe my memory is foggy. Is that why I felt so sh*tty the past few days; because of PMS? Who knows.

Featured Image by me. 😊

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