I couldn’t sleep, so here I am blogging in the hopes of releasing whatever keeps lingering in my thoughts.
All my life I’ve been relentlessly greedy about having time to myself to do as I please. As a young kid, I couldn’t wait to be let out from school so I could go home, possibly finish my homework at lightning speed, and spend the rest of the late afternoon watching television until I was called for dinner and had to reluctantly slide off the couch to join my family in the kitchen. I always felt like I never had enough time to play.
I’ve only been at my job for three days now and already I feel the weight of time. That niggling obligation of being work at a certain time until I am finished for the day and then going home to rest up, eat, shower, and sleep for a few hours until I repeat the same work day consecutively until Friday. Having less time to myself, my hobbies, and extracurricular activities, it kinda allows me to cherish more the time I actually get. However, I also feel frustration at how fast my free time seems to move. In what is like a blink of an eye, my weekend is over. Suddenly I feel as if I don’t have enough time.
I wonder what is worse; being on a work schedule where I purposefully try to keep myself from looking at the time to trick myself into losing all sense of time so I won’t perceive how slow the day is going, or having so much spare time to myself (like the months prior to getting hired) where I had an over abundance of time to do anything and go anywhere I wanted but half the time I felt too depressed and unmotivated to do very much. Or when I did go out and do things, I often perceived that there was little merit from my actions.
It is crazy to recall that just a few weeks ago, I was so stressed about phoning Alan to inquire about the job opportunity. I remember how terrified I was meeting him in-person. The same terror plagued me on the first day of work, and I went through similar veins of constant fear and anxiety in the work days that followed for different and varying reasons. And now I am still having feelings of anxiety. I overcame certain hurdles I doubted I would get past, although I keep getting challenged by some of the same hurdles as new ones form on the path I am traveling on. It seems like whether I like it or not, time marches on and everything I dealt with last week was only a transient part of my life. All of it still feels so fresh in my mind but perhaps a few months from now it will all become dull and insignificant in my memories.
In my last entry, I briefly mentioned a coffee meet up I had plans to attend. And I did. I got to share details about my social anxiety and the specific issues I’ve been struggling with at work. For that three hour window on Sunday afternoon, it felt good to not only talk to people about my problems but for them to be understanding people who had struggles similar to mine. If I could have, I would have spent my rest of my life in that coffee shop with them. I would have not regretted it.
At the end of the meet up, we each spoke of something good we would try to do for the week. I stated that I would attempt not to worry too much, to not take life too seriously, and to take things one day at a time. That last part will be hard for me to achieve. It’s exceedingly difficult to not beat up myself if I perceive I didn’t meet the criteria I set out to accomplish for the day (in regards to my anxiety), or if I perceive I barely scraped by and ended up falling back into my avoidance tendencies.