Well, it happened. I had an anxiety blow-up that cumulated with me crying in the work office. This came about after I answered the work phone and I was in a panic for almost every time I picked up the phone. One of my co-workers was advising me to speak louder because everyone in the office needs to be able to hear me. I understood this and still, I kept retreating to my habit of speaking lowly when I feel self-conscious. I answered the phone once and pushed myself to shout my co-worker’s name (after I put the person on hold) because the call was for her. This was the start of it. I felt tears collecting at the corners of my eyes over how relieved and anxious I felt about answering the call and having to notify my co-worker. Afterwards, she was still advising me to speak louder and to follow the phone script that Alan gave me. I answered another call from a man that wasn’t the typical, “Hi, I’m looking to speak to ____” call and instead the guy went on about an appointment he was coming in for. I put him on hold so I could deliver the message, but when I got back to my desk, I realized I had accidentally hung up instead of putting him on hold. He called back fortunately and one of my other co-workers took care of it. However, I realized I had delivered the wrong message and misunderstood the caller’s words. That, in addition to my coworker trying to walk me through the phone script as I was attempting to hold my emotions in, is what killed me. She noted I looked scared, and that is when the dam overflowed as I burst into tears. It felt like an out of body experience. I could hear her saying reassuring things, like how I didn’t do anything wrong, how I’ve been doing well so far, and that it’ll just take some time for me to get used to the phone. Rome wasn’t built in a day, she said.
I couldn’t speak at all during this and just kept crying and nodding. Alan came back from being gone since I came in that morning and he tried to cheer me up with a funny story but I was too deep in my pain. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and spent like 15 minutes inside continually crying until I cleaned myself up to be presentable. Later my coworker was trying to explain some paperwork to me but I was half-listening and almost completely out of it. I think she could tell because she ended up holding my hand for a portion of this lesson when I was supposed to listen to her conversing on the phone with a representative.
I don’t know how I managed to talk to Alan for a bit before I left. For some reason I feel like something in my relationship with them has changed since they saw me cry. I said goodbye to my co-workers and somehow it was less awkward because one of them told me to not worry about what happened today and that it’s not worth getting upset about.
Also really random is the man I spoke to on the phone later arrived. I learned he was a matchmaker and he even suggested getting Alan and I together. Today was the first real time I feel like I spoke to Alan about matters besides work. It was for at least 15 minutes and I even missed the usual bus I take home. I think it’s just a fluke though. I’m expecting to still feel anxious and nervous tomorrow. And I admit that while I was recounting my crying fit for this post (while typing this during my bus ride home), I kinda almost cried again. 😖