I have no idea how to reflect on my first day of work now that I’m on the bus on my way home. It’s very true that being around people I don’t know and being with them for five hours today felt somewhat uncomfortable and awkward. I had to learn how to scan documents and input certain information on them into the computer. For some things I was confused by, I did ask for help, albeit very awkwardly. Not gonna lie, I did feel a little bit dumb sometimes if I wasn’t able to find the required info on the documents and had to get help. There were a couple times I felt self-conscious and decided to just spend a few minutes longer searching for the info rather than ask. Everyone is super busy in the office so my mentality was that I would be distracting them if I asked too many questions. But it’s not only that. I feel like I’m using my anxiety and my lack of confidence in myself as an excuse to not reach out to people. A couple of times I went as far as to wonder if I even deserved help and felt so stuck in my fear that I considered the possibility that maybe I would get ignored if I called someone by name. I know these fears make little to no sense. Especially since the times I did take the initiative to call out to people, they responded to me. Like when I took a call and put the caller on hold since he was looking for my female co-worker but she was busy. Then I actually started feeling anxious about notifying said co-worker of this by calling her name out loud. But I did and she turned to me right away. That didn’t stop me from feeling afraid the next time I had the urge to get her attention.
Overall, the day did not go as expected. I assumed I would be answering calls all day but instead they started me out with the scanning and inputting document info, and I only answered the phone once when everyone else was occupied. For the most part, the atmosphere was interesting. I noticed there was not much chit chat in-between work since the two girls I was sitting near were almost always in the middle of printing something, taking calls, making calls, or composing emails to clients. I admit I did feel a little left out since the two were working on similar tasks so they bounced off each other a lot with questions or prompts.
And then it came for me to leave. Gosh, I hated this part. I suck at goodbyes, and if I do give them, I feel as if I’m being overly formal or stiff because I don’t know what else to say besides letting people know that I am going now. Both girls said bye to me as I replied in turn. Alan had his back turned away from me as I passed his desk and I hesitated to call him by name. I got anxious. Again. One of the girls noticed me standing there and I quietly said I was waiting for Chris. I should’ve just gotten his attention instead of remaining silent, ugh. I felt entirely lame as hell telling to him, “Uh, I am heading out.” I thought it would be impolite if I didn’t say something to him before I left. There was a part of this brief conversation where it was like I didn’t know how to respond except with nodding even though I wanted to add more to the discussion but I was too nervous and tongue tied. Finally, there was a beat of like two seconds where I struggled to utter my question and then forced it out. My goodness, already my mind is replaying all the events from today and my perceived stupidity. Someone help me move on from this.