anxiety · job anxiety · life · social anxiety

It Doesn’t Always Happen As I Think It Will… Or Will It?

My nerves have gone to hell in the night before my first day of work. Wtf. WTF. Am I actually doing this? My brain is going haywire. I am terrified! I slept poorly yesterday (4 hours) so I need the sleep tonight to at least be energized for work. The question is, will I be able to sleep? Will my troubles keep me awake and tossing and turning?

During this whole job process, including going through the motions of getting in touch with the hiring manager, showing up for an appointment, and then actually getting hired, I couldn’t help but try to imagine what would happen once I was in those situations. None of what I thought up is how things went. I’m praying and hoping I am wrong as well about how badly or how fucked up my first day on the job will go, despite how hard my mind is working right now to convince me it will go wrong and I’ll never be able to show my face there again. My heart is pounding hard even now in the quiet of my own room and the stillness of the outside streets. It is almost 10 o’clock in the evening.


13 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Always Happen As I Think It Will… Or Will It?

    1. I actually have no idea what not giving a f*ck feels like lol. What was it like for you? I’m really afraid that I’ll get too anxious and freeze up. In the past I used to be so anxious it would be hard for me to even respond to someone. Now I can but I sometimes feel like a robot because I don’t think I sound natural or I’m not saying words in the way I want to.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think just was in a mindset “I am not going to care today!” – so no matter what I did or said I just decided to not spend time thinking about it – no analyzing or over thinking.

        And I know it’s easy to say – harder to do. (After all I do consider us anxiety buddies.)

        But I did have a long hard battle against my vomiting every morning, I just told it “you are not winning today”.

        I might have a milder case then you, but I understand.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, the overanalyzing really kills me on the inside if I have time to stew over how a few seemingly insignificant things I did is actually quite stupid and this only makes me dread going to the same place again to interact with the same people in fear I will make even bigger “blunders”.

        I am going to avoid looking at the time once I’m on my shift bc I would rather not torture myself with watching the minutes tick by.


      3. Oh the time! I know.

        Just try to look at it from another prospective other people say weird and stupid things, so why can’t we? Well, we can! Every time my mind wanders of to “why?” I tell it because “I can!” and “I am allowed to”.


      4. My psychologist also gave me a task, a task I had to perform everyday.
        It’s something they call the “I am good enough-book”. All you need is a empty notebook (I chose one that looked pretty and made me happy to look at!).

        Write 3 positive things, 3 thankful notes and 1 help.

        So basically it would look something like this:
        Positive: I am good at baking pizza, I did good to day for not freaking out about arriving late, I did breathe through a panic attack. Basically anything that has been positive or just something positive about yourself.

        Thankful: I am thankful for not having a panic attack today, I am thankful that I have a job, I am thankful for the people who support me.
        Anything you feel thankful or grateful for.

        Help: I would like help to learn how to breathe properly or I would like help to learn how to talk to people without worrying about their opinion of me.
        Anything that would come to mind that you feel you could use a hand with.

        I did this for few months and at some point, I stopped talking trash to my self, I eventually ( a few weeks ago) learned how to say positive things to myself and actually listen!

        I’m not saying it necessarily works, but it’s worth a shot.


  1. Congrats on the new job! It’s normal to feel anxious about starting something new. The best thing is to just take a breath and relax, and try not to panic too much. It might take you a while to get used to all of the new people, but eventually it’ll happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m about 40% afraid of screwing up on the job, but 60% more terrified that I won’t be able to get along with people. The office is teeny with my boss and three other coworkers. I’m just.. Idk, like, I suck at chit chat while working. I don’t know what the work culture is like yet. Will people talk about off topic things while they work or do they save that for their lunch break?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When it comes to people – fake it until you make it. The best way to get talking to people is to ask them a question. Even if it’s something that’s not important. However, there’s nothing wrong with being a quiet person. It depends, they might all be so engrossed in work that they don’t chat much or they might be the kind of people that have conversations here and there. The best thing to do is observe on your first day and figure out where to go from there. You can do it! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t know why I am so hypersensitive about it, but I dislike other people being within earshot if I’m talking to someone. I get so anxious. In an office as teeny as the one I’m going to be in, there is no hiding lol. I used to be severely hateful of my own voice, too, which just added to my anxiety and perception no one likes me. I’m slowly sort of getting over how I feel about my voice but the going is slow.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been there. What I do is do some searches for the kind of job I’ve gone for. Although, that can make it worse, so I’d say that you should distract yourself and try to make the most of the last of your free time if you can. It’s a horrible feeling (the anxiety) but I think when you get there and hopefully get through the first few days with no trouble, you will feel a lot better.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I definitely feel the time restraint of making the most of my time. All day today I was super aware of the clock counting down even as I tried to spend it happily by catching up on a book I was reading and making plans for the weekend with fun events. I hate that feeling of trying to be in the present but all I can think about is where I have to be tomorrow.

        True, I will have to face the situation sooner than later and it’s possible the more time I spend at work, I might fall into some kind of comfortable routine. Only time can tell.

        Liked by 1 person

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