Today is the anniversary of when I started writing on this blog. I’m not sure if I have much to say without being self-deprecating about how little I’ve changed or that I haven’t grown as a socially anxious person. My overwhelmingly negative filter on myself will probably last for the rest of my life. I don’t believe there is a cure for this habit in me, unfortunately, but I can change how I respond to it. The only difference now is I can see when I may be being too hard on myself for things that aren’t truly bad, however, I still second guess if the positive things about myself are really positive.
When I think about WordPress, I’m amazed this virtual platform exists so I have a space to share parts of myself and connect with people around the world. Skimming through my old entries, it is somewhat cringy (and painful) to remember what I was feeling in the moments I was typing everything up. There is a kind of relief in knowing that at least some of the turmoil I was going through then has passed. Someday, this entry too will become a piece of my history after it stops being the “now” of today and instead be the “then” of many days, months, or years gone by.
It’s only been a year of blogging, but I feel like I’ve spent the whole year unconsciously holding my breath out of fear that someone in my personal life might stumble onto my posts. From what I’ve read on a handful of other people’s blogs, this is a very common fear that rarely becomes reality. Let’s hope it stays that way. In real life, I can only count about four people who know I have a blog (because I felt comfortable enough to mention it to them), and only one of them knows my WordPress url. I fear the potential fallout that might occur from certain people knowing the true extent of my feelings on specific topics, like my social anxiety, since there are aspects of me which I am more comfortable sharing and writing about online than actually ever speaking about it in real life.