I feel like a mess but I don’t want to throw myself a pity party. It’s okay to acknowledge when I am going through a bad time although wallowing is a definite no-no. I do not wish to go into specific details about the situation except that my parents are not speaking to each other again and being that I am still under the same roof as them, it’s like walking on pins and needles. I do not do well in the crossfire of conflict.
It’s at this moment that I’m aware of how unhappy I am but the weight of the unhappiness I feel is probably not much different from what other people are going through. Somewhere, anywhere, someone is struggling or working through an issue or problem in their life.
I alluded to a friend (via messaging) that I was in a gloomy mood and hoped to be distracted with something cute to take my mind off of my troubles. She was incredulous at my inquiry and asked if I was serious. I suppose I was, though my mind was probably not in the right place when I wrote to her. I felt tired but restless, desperate for sleep yet needlessly searching for something else to fixate on besides the problems in my life. She pointed out that I haven’t truly had it rough as I’ve never had a job as of yet and to consider the current privileges I already have. She also suggested keeping in mind the good I have as a way to remember that the worst thing to happen to me is not the worst thing ever.
I was embarrassed by myself after getting critiqued by her. What the hell was I thinking messaging her at 1 AM in the morning with some dumb, “oh poor me” lament? Perhaps her words were the jab to my heart that I needed because I do think I take the good in my life for granted. I am not homeless, I never go hungry, I’m not physically ill or disabled, I am not in financial debt… the list could go on for forever. I have social anxiety, yes, and consider myself a very anxious person who worries herself to near death about things that aren’t even worth worrying about, but this doesn’t mean I can’t have a fulfilling life, right? I want to be mentally strong. I wish I could be one of those people that doesn’t make being mentally strong a choice but a must for the sake of survival. I’m not quite there yet. I want to be more than just “okay”, to be fierce, to be me without being afraid of my own shadow at every turn and bend I take.