anxiety · family · life · melancholy · ramblings

What’s Wrong With Me?

I feel like a mess but I don’t want to throw myself a pity party. It’s okay to acknowledge when I am going through a bad time although wallowing is a definite no-no. I do not wish to go into specific details about the situation except that my parents are not speaking to each other again and being that I am still under the same roof as them, it’s like walking on pins and needles. I do not do well in the crossfire of conflict.

It’s at this moment that I’m aware of how unhappy I am but the weight of the unhappiness I feel is probably not much different from what other people are going through. Somewhere, anywhere, someone is struggling or working through an issue or problem in their life.

I alluded to a friend (via messaging) that I was in a gloomy mood and hoped to be distracted with something cute to take my mind off of my troubles. She was incredulous at my inquiry and asked if I was serious. I suppose I was, though my mind was probably not in the right place when I wrote to her. I felt tired but restless, desperate for sleep yet needlessly searching for something else to fixate on besides the problems in my life. She pointed out that I haven’t truly had it rough as I’ve never had a job as of yet and to consider the current privileges I already have. She also suggested keeping in mind the good I have as a way to remember that the worst thing to happen to me is not the worst thing ever.

I was embarrassed by myself after getting critiqued by her. What the hell was I thinking messaging her at 1 AM in the morning with some dumb, “oh poor me” lament? Perhaps her words were the jab to my heart that I needed because I do think I take the good in my life for granted. I am not homeless, I never go hungry, I’m not physically ill or disabled, I am not in financial debt… the list could go on for forever. I have social anxiety, yes, and consider myself a very anxious person who worries herself to near death about things that aren’t even worth worrying about, but this doesn’t mean I can’t have a fulfilling life, right? I want to be mentally strong. I wish I could be one of those people that doesn’t make being mentally strong a choice but a must for the sake of survival. I’m not quite there yet. I want to be more than just “okay”, to be fierce, to be me without being afraid of my own shadow at every turn and bend I take.

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12 thoughts on “What’s Wrong With Me?

  1. You can be grateful for what you have and still have these issues. I see where your friend is coming from, and I often reason that it could be worse whenever I’m in a mood, but at the same time, downgrading your feelings or emotions doesn’t help either because then you start blaming yourself and wondering why you can’t just be okay etc and it makes everything worse. It’s a negative cycle. So yeah, you have a good life and things could be worse but that’s not mutually exclusive to how you feel.

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    1. You have some good points. I admit I did think about “well hey I have all this good stuff in my life, it doesn’t seem that bad for me, so why can’t I just suck it up and bear whatever issue I am going through now?” I ended up feeling guilty for even complaining about being in a bad mood and wondering what right I have to be upset about things when so much more people out there have it worse than me. Do you have any ideas of how I can reconcile myself with these feelings of guilt and self punishment?

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      1. I think it depends really. There’s a difference between feeling how you feel and talking about how you feel if that makes sense. In the past when I was feeling shitty I’d tell someone about it and get annoyed when I didn’t get the response I hoped. However, the only person that knows how I feel is me. So in a way, while someone can emphasise, you’re the only one who understands how you feel. The best way to reconcile yourself is to just accept that this is how you feel. It’s not your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault, just a stupid side effect of life. You can feel compassionate and also be in a bad mood at the same time. That’s what works for me. Some people end up kind of self-centred through no real fault of their own, mental health issues have that effect because we have no idea what anyone else is really going through. But for me at least, I take that guilt and I use it to tell myself that if people survive much worse than what I’m going through, then so can I. It doesn’t always work, but it helps.

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      2. I find myself reacting the same way when I perceive I’m taking a risk by reaching out and talking to a friend about my problems and then not getting the response I wanted, so then I end up feeling hurt, almost like I regret speaking up in the first place.

        About the self-centered thing, I think I might be falling into that category right now lol. Aside from my parents having their argument, my mom is now not speaking to my dad at all. And I am feeling the brute of constant anxiety as I am in the house when there’s all this unspoken anger and tension when neither of them are saying a word to each other. She came home yesterday while I was in the kitchen. Didn’t say anything to me and just went upstairs. She probably avoided me because she wasn’t in the mood to see anyone, but with how my mind works, I immediately thought she was still angry at me for an incident that occurred earlier in the day. It was after her argument with my dad, and she had been calling me as she was several paces behind me. I didn’t hear her, but the next thing I know, she comes up to me and snaps at me for not answering her. While I can understand her mood influenced her, a part of me felt indignant and annoyed that she was taking it out on me.

        Later she made a lot of noise by stomping downstairs in an angry way (after my dad had gone upstairs to bed) and sat in the living room in silence as she scrolled on her phone. I had to pass the living room on my way up to my room and that was painstaking. I’ve always kind of just left her alone when she’s been unhappy with my dad, so I felt too uncomfortable to say anything as I went up. I even suspect on some level she knows her behavior (giving him the silent treatment) is wrong but she just doesn’t know how to change or do things any differently than how she’s been going about it for the last 20+ years. And then, there’s also the resentment I sometimes feel towards her that arises because I’m upset her behavior is affecting the atmosphere of our home and in turn also affecting my level of anxiety. It’s like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. At the same time I feel guilty because it’s “me, me, me” but that doesn’t make it so whatever emotions my mom is going through is any less valid. I hate that she uses the silent treatment as a weapon yet I also see she probably is dealing with her emotions in a manner that has never been healthy.

        I don’t want to make it all about how it’s affecting me and stuff, but somehow I can’t help but seeing as I still live with my parents and I don’t even have the option of saying, “k bye, I will be staying at a friend’s house till the two of you figure this shit out”. Actually, I wish I could just crash at someone else’s house for the time being but I don’t know anyone well enough for that.

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      3. I can relate to all of this. I think we’re all frustrated in our own ways and sometimes people take it out on each other. Sometimes it affects the atmosphere, but all you can do is wait it out, I suppose. Try to find your own space somehow, even if it’s just a quick walk around the block or window shopping. Or reading, watching something. Whatever helps.

        Sorry for the late response, I’ve been AWOL lately!

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      4. I did wait it out and I’m relieved the situation has been over with since I last wrote to you. Phew! 😧 Taking myself out of the atmosphere and into my own space did help me somewhat.

        No worries about the late response. I hope you are doing well.

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  2. Oh god, I hate when I need a distracting conversation and it turns into a serious one about “my” problems, grrrr. I simply get sick and tired of the subject of “me”. Sometimes we need a distraction, period, so I understand that. Don’t let it turn you further into self criticism though. Just because we have food and water and shelter, doesn’t negate the seriousness of our issues. Even billionaires have issues which are no less important because of their money. Although… I’d prefer to be a billionaire with problems than the not rich one I am, lol.

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    1. I do think being privileged with good things in my life doesn’t negate the validity of my feelings if I’m not 100% ok. I just don’t want it turning into two extremes; either I don’t think I have a right to complain so I end up wondering why I can’t just be ok, or I throw myself a pity party and start magnifying the bad and can’t see anything else in my life besides what I am upset about.

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      1. Yeah, I see what you’re saying. I live in extremes and hate it. My biggest issue right now, that literally everyone says I need to get in order (fast), is that I’m reactionary and need to learn restraint. I know this, I’ve known this, and feel ashamed every time it happens because I know I’ll be lectured again about it. that is what happened the other day. If you master being able to live in the middle, I look forward to hearing about it! 🙂

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  3. Sometimes it just helps to write it all down and get it off your chest! Parent troubles is always a difficult one to deal with, they are adults and as much as it hurts it is their issue to deal with. I hope tomorrows day is filled with more sunshine for you 🙂 xx

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    1. What I hate most about the whole conflict between my parents is they usually don’t talk to each other when one of them is mad at the other. I don’t know how to act when they’re like this and generally don’t even want to go home and be around that sort of atmosphere. My mom is worse than my dad. She basically purposely ignores him when he tries to talk to her. I wish I didn’t still live with them.

      You’re right that it’s their issue to work through so I don’t care to get involved. However it’s also kind of stupid because they always end up arguing about the same things and not reaching any kind of compromise.

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