I wish everything around me would just stop right now. My melancholy may be influenced by the fact I’ve been feeling unwell all day. I feel too weak to do anything. I barely ate breakfast in the midst of a worsening headache and some nausea before I took off to my room to get some rest. I slept from noon to about 3 pm.
My headache is still here. I hate my body in this state. My appetite is so diminished and normal smells that don’t usually bother me make me feel the urge to throw up. I know I will at least have to eat dinner but I’m not sure I have the strength for it. Many times during headaches I won’t even want to tell anyone about how bad I feel in the physical sense because I simply don’t have the energy to talk or be interested in anything around me when I feel so horrible.
I also hate the concern of others once people in my household know I am suffering. It makes me feel as if I have an unwanted light shined on me when all I want to do is fade into the darkness and deal with things myself.
I’m not one for pills and can’t swallow them either so there’s no easy fix for me in this situation. I attempted to take some aspirin once by crushing it but it did nothing to alleviate the pain. Typically on a bad day, I suffer all day long with this pounding ache at the side of my temple. I try to put on a semblance of normalcy in front of my family because I’d rather not be prompted with questions about how shitty I feel. The most I admit to them is that I have a headache but I won’t want to elaborate on it because of both the agony of being physically ill and also just not feeling up to engaging with anyone. So many times the nausea is so bad that standing up is a challenge and I just about barely hold down the retching feeling as I make it to my bed in time to lay down in an effort to soothe myself. Laying down so the pillow cushions the side of my temple (which the headache is originating from) is the only relief I get. Even better is getting a full night’s rest, which I rarely get because of my on and off again nighttime anxiety, although when I have a serious headache, I am compelled to get some shuteye at as early as 11 pm. Usually, if I sleep overnight for more than 8 hours, the headache is gone by the time I wake up. I only hope this works for me tonight.
I have no idea how I am able to type all this now. I feel so unfocused and tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and drown out all manner of noise and voices until this pounding stops.
I do feel I brought this headache upon myself since I have been going to bed closer to 1 AM instead of midnight like I usually do. I am almost certain it’s not a headache induced from dehydration either because I have had those before and the pain always stops once I hydrate myself. A headache is my body’s way of giving me retribution for not taking care of myself well enough. I feel guilty all the time for my wrong decisions and even more ashamed that because of my headache, I did not do anything productive today.