anxiety · Feeling ill

Waste of a Day

I wish everything around me would just stop right now. My melancholy may be influenced by the fact I’ve been feeling unwell all day. I feel too weak to do anything. I barely ate breakfast in the midst of a worsening headache and some nausea before I took off to my room to get some rest. I slept from noon to about 3 pm.

My headache is still here. I hate my body in this state. My appetite is so diminished and normal smells that don’t usually bother me make me feel the urge to throw up. I know I will at least have to eat dinner but I’m not sure I have the strength for it. Many times during headaches I won’t even want to tell anyone about how bad I feel in the physical sense because I simply don’t have the energy to talk or be interested in anything around me when I feel so horrible.

I also hate the concern of others once people in my household know I am suffering. It makes me feel as if I have an unwanted light shined on me when all I want to do is fade into the darkness and deal with things myself.

I’m not one for pills and can’t swallow them either so there’s no easy fix for me in this situation. I attempted to take some aspirin once by crushing it but it did nothing to alleviate the pain. Typically on a bad day, I suffer all day long with this pounding ache at the side of my temple. I try to put on a semblance of normalcy in front of my family because I’d rather not be prompted with questions about how shitty I feel. The most I admit to them is that I have a headache but I won’t want to elaborate on it because of both the agony of being physically ill and also just not feeling up to engaging with anyone. So many times the nausea is so bad that standing up is a challenge and I just about barely hold down the retching feeling as I make it to my bed in time to lay down in an effort to soothe myself. Laying down so the pillow cushions the side of my temple (which the headache is originating from) is the only relief I get. Even better is getting a full night’s rest, which I rarely get because of my on and off again nighttime anxiety, although when I have a serious headache, I am compelled to get some shuteye at as early as 11 pm. Usually, if I sleep overnight for more than 8 hours, the headache is gone by the time I wake up. I only hope this works for me tonight.

I have no idea how I am able to type all this now. I feel so unfocused and tired. I just want to curl up in a ball and drown out all manner of noise and voices until this pounding stops.

I do feel I brought this headache upon myself since I have been going to bed closer to 1 AM instead of midnight like I usually do. I am almost certain it’s not a headache induced from dehydration either because I have had those before and the pain always stops once I hydrate myself. A headache is my body’s way of giving me retribution for not taking care of myself well enough. I feel guilty all the time for my wrong decisions and even more ashamed that because of my headache, I did not do anything productive today.

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9 thoughts on “Waste of a Day

  1. I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad. Maybe get some sleep at night, even just a bit and you will feel better. As you inferred, it could be the quality of sleep that you are getting or your body is just reacting to something. Like you, when i am not feeling well, I really dislike it when people draw attention to me asking if I am okay. Even at work, when say I just cough because of a slight itch in my throat caused by some dry air, a colleague may ask me, ‘Are you alright?’ That itself makes my heart jump. I get they are concerned but sometimes I just don’t want to hear that, especially on my high-anxiety days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can see how people asking if you’re ok is another thing for you to get anxious about if you already have to work while sick plus having tons of stuff you need to focus on to get done.

      For myself personally, I think I may have been conditioned a long time ago to associate showing concern for others or receiving concern from others to be an unwanted thing in my life. It’s hard to say where this came about from. Part of my coldness or aversion to not wanting to be asked if I’m ok (while I’m sick) is almost like I don’t want the attention but also I feel myself resisting the care other people are expressing; like the affection makes me uncomfortable and it’s also something I am pushing away in my mind.

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      1. It sounds like you find other’s affection and concern smothering. Personally that is what I feel when others just ask me if I’m okay. It might be a simple question, but for an introvert or someone with anxiety can be so overwhelming. We’re all wired differently, and nothing wrong with pushing away affection and physical and emotional intimacy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Your words are exactly how I feel on a daily basis. 😦 I often think I am going crazy or out of my mind when simple questions where people ask me innocuous things makes me want to jump out of my skin because while the questions themselves seem harmless, the way it affects me makes me think they are not.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am wondering if this is also a result of stress, possibly more so than dehydration? I know that when I have accumulated stress, my body reacts. It is never pleasant and is a strong motivator for me to not get to that point. However, life doesn’t always work for my benefit, sigh. I feel for you and hope that by the time you are reading this comment, you are feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It could be from stress, yeah. I never considered until you mentioned it that the human body can manifest physical pains from the presence of a lot of stress.

      I was feeling quite terrible at the time I wrote the post. I managed to eat some dinner afterwards and still felt quite ill but I think eating a little did lessen the headache a teeny bit although it was sleeping overnight that 100% helped the pain to go away completely.

      I definitely feel I push my body to its limit on an unnecessary level. I mean, yesterday I was starting to get sleepy around 8:30 pm. It hit me in this instance that I may often make myself stay up late but my body always without fail seems to know when to nudge me about it now being sleep o‘clock lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When I stress I tend to not breath which puts pressure in my head. I also get nauseous when things are overwhelming. I used to have a gut of steal but not anymore. I’m glad the sleep helped! Good to know for the future. 👍

        Liked by 1 person

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