anxiety · life · ramblings

Running Late

Well, things are not going well right now. One of my most non-favorite things about living in New York is being dependent on a shoddy subway system. It’s typical that the subway line is running behind schedule. I hate, hate when I’m within walking distance of the station but haven’t gotten the chance yet to go up the steps and to the turnstile to swipe my MetroCard when the subway comes barreling down the tracks. It’s a sometimes common site for me to see other people who were walking at a slower pace than me try to suddenly make a run up the steps and try to catch the train. That is if they can handle having to sprite up the steps, slow down to quickly swipe the MetroCard through the turnstile (without getting the “swipe again” message if the card wasn’t swiped properly) and then quickly run up another flight of steps to get to the platform where the subway stopped to allow people to get on/off. I never run, of course, because I can’t stomach bystanders looking at me with bewildered expressions as they observe my franticness.

Today’s problem was the subway arriving just as I was approaching the station itself, but I didn’t panic and assumed another one would be coming soon. It did not and took more than 15 minutes for another train to pull into the station. The subway line I was taking does not have Manhattan-bound trains for this whole week so I had to take the train going in the opposite direction until the last stop. Only there could I ride all the way back on a different Manhattan-bound train. This in itself made my commute longer than I anticipated. I also had to take the ferry to Governor’s Island after getting off at my stop and I knew by how slow the subway was going per stop that I would surely be late.

I emailed the volunteer coordinator who I was supposed to meet with for an orientation on the island to let her know. I learned in her reply that if I missed the ferry I was meant to take, I would have to wait another hour for the next one. She offered to let me stay for the rest of the orientation even if I came late, however, I would have to make up the lost orientation time at a later date. I felt unsatisfied with this arrangement knowing I would have to come back a second time instead of getting the orientation done in one go before I could begin volunteering.

Of course, I didn’t intend to be late today. The one mistake I made is forgetting that there were no Manhattan-bound trains in my area and I should’ve left home earlier to allow more time for the commute. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 😦 In a way, this post began with me blaming the crappy subway system. It can be crappy, but using my own discretion for traveling around and being on time is also my own responsibility.

Now I’m sitting outside the ferry building with the cool wind making a mess of my hair while I catch the rays of the sun and watch the many people coming and going from the terminal. Even though I already made the choice not to go on the ferry, I didn’t see a point in riding the train back to home when it’s not even that late into the afternoon yet. It’s not good for my mental health to be cooped up even though I am aware I still use that as a crutch at times.

Pros for today:

*Got a good night’s rest (take that, anxiety!).

*Brisk walking and lots of sunshine.

*Wore my sunglasses to look cool and be able to glance at people with less awkwardness. And also because of the sun, of course.

*Signed up for a free meditation class tomorrow. I hope I don’t chicken out?

Cons for today:

*Answered an incoming call from a number I don’t recognize only to hang up when I didn’t know whose voice it was. Turns out it was my brother. He left me a voice message asking me to call him back. I have not. Enter phone phobia mode. Ugh.

*Almost killed my iPhone by dropping it on its face. How did this happen?? Usually, I’m so careful, damnit. Hello ugly cracked screen, though somehow the phone itself still works fine.


3 thoughts on “Running Late

  1. I practically have a panic attack if I’m late anywhere. I hate even being on time. I prefer going early everywhere. I am paranoid of ending up non traffic or something where I am trapped. That’s happened in the past and it was horrible. I feel for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, early is better. I really do freak out if I’m even like off by two minutes getting to somewhere. To me that’s the equivalent of having my whole day ruined because I am late so what usually happens is I won’t show up if I know I’m going to be late. 😢 I understand the paranoia about being on time too. Ugh! If I’m exactly on time, I feel rushed and almost like I don’t have some minutes to adjust. But then if I’m early, I panic a little over not knowing what to do as the minutes tick by and if I should just walk in early.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh absolutely, I like time to sit and relax. I actually don’t mind showing up early. I have a book or kindle or, most times, repetitive games on my phone like solitaire and Mancala to mindlessly pass the time. I try for 15″ early but sometimes I’m earlier than that so might go for coffee or something if there is a place close by. I’ve even gone around the block a few times to pass time, lol. But I’m always concerned about parking too even though I always get a spot. Silly really…

        Liked by 1 person

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