life · ramblings · social anxiety

Spring Day

I did not adore warm, sunny days when I was a child and instead had a “meh” attitude when it came to the weather as the seasons changed over the course of a year. Two constants in my life then were sleep and school. Those days seemed to pass too fast for me to sit and contemplate things I usually didn’t have the time to think about, but now I have all the time in the world.

For most of my life, I have lived in fear of warm, spring days. Those kinds of days filled me with dread, and I often waited with anticipated fear for one of my parents to inevitably ask me if I wanted to go out somewhere. I struggled a lot at different points in the last three years with being interested in the outside world enough to go out and explore it. I’m tempted to go into greater details about why I chose to be a recluse. Of course one of these reasons is intense social anxiety, but the other reasons relate to both my own choice to isolate myself as well as being isolated because of special circumstances in my home. Guess that’s another topic go save for a future post.

I appreciate the spring weather more than I used to. The temperature has been fluctuating between 45-60 ish for the past month. Today was the first time it was hot outside during the afternoon and it was warm enough to take off my jacket. The leafy greens growing in on the trees and the opening flower buds were a welcome sight for me. I felt grateful for them because looking at them made me happy and for a moment I forgot about my constant anxiety.

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3 thoughts on “Spring Day

  1. Having the ink on my skin allergic to the sun, making going outside an extraordinarily difficult decision, is sort of a blessing in disguise? Not really though. I used to love the sun on my face. I would sit out on my patio (private where I used to live) and bask. No more basking. I live in my AC apartment now, rarely going outside except to and from the car for appointments. When it warms up enough I’d like to sit out on my patio in the morning before the sun hits it but I’m so habitually used to not going outside now, I’m out of the habit. My anxiety is sun related though, not people related (to a certain extent). I do go the long way around in the halls to avoid people and yet love to go to coffee shops, find a seat in the far corner and write.

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    1. I used to have sun related anxiety, though I believe it was a combination of anxiety about going outside, not knowing what to do once I’m outside and physically allowing direct sunlight to touch me. The times I was in school during junior high, I recall not even stepping outside unless I had to attend class. I even kept the blinders in my room closed because I didn’t want indirect sun on me. It seems this had a bad effect on my body when I would have to be in the sun, I would feel panic stricken, and blink rapidly because I couldn’t be comfortable with trying to keep my eyes open with the sun shining down on me. There was even a point I started feeling scared of walking outside if there were clouds above me in the sky.

      I go the long way to avoid people too lol. Yes, definitely, coffee shops are an excellent place to be around people but also be distinctly separate from them.

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      1. I’m at the dealership right now so your post reminded me that I wanted to ask the legality of drivers side tinted windows in my state. The sun streaming in when driving is the worst! Everyone raves about it in the Spring. I just smile and nod and slip on my heavy black sweater.

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