I had plans to go out today for a social meetup. I was already up by 9:30 AM, but didn’t go downstairs until about 11:30 AM. The main reason why is because I hadn’t told my parents about my plans and freaking out about it. Can you believe it, I actually have anxiety whenever I have to bring shit up to people. I feel pathetic because I’d rather if no one was home and then I could just leave the house without having to notify anyone of my leaving. A couple of times in the past I breathed a sigh of relief on the days that no one was actually home and I didn’t have to speak to anyone.
I guess I don’t like telling my parents where I’m going because they usually ask where I’ll be and when I’ll be home. I feel intense discomfort over sharing information like this. Several things are exchanged in a verbal interaction that I suck at. Maintaining eye contact with the person and enduring what feels like an eternity of the person staring at me as I explain where I intend to be later in the day. Then the anticipation/fear of what the other person’s response will be. My mom usually wants to know when I’ll be back and if I’ll be home for dinner. If I’m feeling optimistic, I’ll push myself to babble on about who I will be with and what we’ll be doing, in an effort to prove to myself that there is no bad consequence from sharing info with other people.
Today was one of my bad days, unfortunately. My mind was worked up into a fury even before I left my room. I was unable to calm myself down from the growing fear. Again and again, I felt attacked by my own fear and didn’t know how to override the emotions brewing in me. Because I was anxious, I countered it by getting angry. It’s like I didn’t know how to get the anxiety to shrink so instead I converted that energy into anger. When I’m like this, I tend to blame others for my own fear. In this case, because I felt anxiety over verbally communicating with my parents, I blamed them. As illogical as it is, my mind just about conjured every nonsensical reason why my parents were at fault for my anxious state just so I wouldn’t have to be responsible for my own anxiety. It’s another mechanism my mind uses to essentially run away from anxiety and not deal with it head-on.
By the time I went downstairs, I was in a foul mood, though I tried not to let it show. It was like a ping pong game in my head, with the ball being hit back and forth by two versions of me; one good and one bad. The better part of me was aware how I was feeling made no sense. That the angry side of me was blaming my parents for my fear/anxiety and justifying why it would be fine for me to avoid talking to them verbally. These reasons included:
1) They’re in my way
2) They’re the reason why I can’t go out
3) They’re keeping me from my plans
Upon writing down the reasons in this blog post, it really shows how far I am willing to go to avoid something. That’s really scary and disturbing. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Maybe using this blog as a safe space to acknowledge I have a problem is the first step to working towards change.
Every time I answered my dad as he conversed with me in a variety of topics, not just about my plans for the day, it took everything in me to keep the angry side from bleeding into my words or my tone. I am anxious so I am angry. I am angry because I am anxious.
If anyone has any thoughts to share, whether you can relate or not to what I am going through, comment away.