anxiety · avoidance tendencies · coping mechanisms · life · social anxiety

My Disturbing Thoughts

I had plans to go out today for a social meetup. I was already up by 9:30 AM, but didn’t go downstairs until about 11:30 AM. The main reason why is because I hadn’t told my parents about my plans and freaking out about it. Can you believe it, I actually have anxiety whenever I have to bring shit up to people. I feel pathetic because I’d rather if no one was home and then I could just leave the house without having to notify anyone of my leaving. A couple of times in the past I breathed a sigh of relief on the days that no one was actually home and I didn’t have to speak to anyone.

I guess I don’t like telling my parents where I’m going because they usually ask where I’ll be and when I’ll be home. I feel intense discomfort over sharing information like this. Several things are exchanged in a verbal interaction that I suck at. Maintaining eye contact with the person and enduring what feels like an eternity of the person staring at me as I explain where I intend to be later in the day. Then the anticipation/fear of what the other person’s response will be. My mom usually wants to know when I’ll be back and if I’ll be home for dinner. If I’m feeling optimistic, I’ll push myself to babble on about who I will be with and what we’ll be doing, in an effort to prove to myself that there is no bad consequence from sharing info with other people.

Today was one of my bad days, unfortunately. My mind was worked up into a fury even before I left my room. I was unable to calm myself down from the growing fear. Again and again, I felt attacked by my own fear and didn’t know how to override the emotions brewing in me. Because I was anxious, I countered it by getting angry. It’s like I didn’t know how to get the anxiety to shrink so instead I converted that energy into anger. When I’m like this, I tend to blame others for my own fear. In this case, because I felt anxiety over verbally communicating with my parents, I blamed them. As illogical as it is, my mind just about conjured every nonsensical reason why my parents were at fault for my anxious state just so I wouldn’t have to be responsible for my own anxiety. It’s another mechanism my mind uses to essentially run away from anxiety and not deal with it head-on.

By the time I went downstairs, I was in a foul mood, though I tried not to let it show. It was like a ping pong game in my head, with the ball being hit back and forth by two versions of me; one good and one bad. The better part of me was aware how I was feeling made no sense. That the angry side of me was blaming my parents for my fear/anxiety and justifying why it would be fine for me to avoid talking to them verbally. These reasons included:

1) They’re in my way

2) They’re the reason why I can’t go out

3) They’re keeping me from my plans

Upon writing down the reasons in this blog post, it really shows how far I am willing to go to avoid something. That’s really scary and disturbing. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Maybe using this blog as a safe space to acknowledge I have a problem is the first step to working towards change.

Every time I answered my dad as he conversed with me in a variety of topics, not just about my plans for the day, it took everything in me to keep the angry side from bleeding into my words or my tone. I am anxious so I am angry. I am angry because I am anxious.

If anyone has any thoughts to share, whether you can relate or not to what I am going through, comment away.

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3 thoughts on “My Disturbing Thoughts

  1. I *can* relate somewhat to you. When it came to meeting up with guys in the past, I wouldn’t tell my parents because I knew they wouldn’t let me go out with them. In the past, I’d say I was meeting with friends, just so they get off my back. This was years ago, though. The last time I saw a guy, I thought I’d tell my mom the truth, but my mom just went a bit OTT with that, so I pretended I cancelled with him instead. My parents are pretty protective, if I told them I was going out with a friend, they’d give me some unreasonably early curfew like 6 in the evening, as if I was 13. This really does hinder me from having dinners or attending parties because my parents would like me home before dark. I feel a sense of shame having to explain to my friends that I can’t go to an event because of my parents. I feel like such a child, when I’m 24 years old. So for me, my parents really are the reason that I can’t go out. However, my anxiety isn’t associated with talking to them about my plans. My anxiety is related to postponing or cancelling plans with friends/colleagues and the shame associated with explaining the reason for why I can’t make it. A workmate recently invited me to join him in going to a festival, but I said I had “plans”. He didn’t press further, but I still felt so ashamed, because I knew what my parents would be like if I told them.

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    1. That sounds like a difficult situation you are in. I thought it was only my parents that are unreasonable about when they want me home. I never really had a curfew during my teen years because they never had to give me one. I was essentially a loner with no friends and stayed home all the time unless I had to be in class, someplace for an appointment or volunteering. It’s only been in the last year that I’ve started to try and be more social. There were times during last summer when I was out with a friend past 8 pm bc we had dinner together and my parents were fine with it. I texted to let them know and everything. I text them when I’m about to go home, but part of me really doesn’t like it when I’m literally already on the train and they text me to ask where I am and even ask what station I got to. My dad especially does this. My parents seem to have a strange view of what “staying out late” means. I’ve come home past 6 pm and every time they ask me, “why are you home so late?” Ugh.

      In my opinion, it definitely is unreasonable for them to expect you to be home before dark. Even if you weren’t working and earning your own money, you’re 24 and not a child that needs to be watched all the time. I get it that many parents still can’t help but treat their children like babies even if they’re legally adults bc they’re so used to being parents, but that kind of mentality doesn’t help the child to grow as a person and have their own life/independence in the long run.

      I don’t have much experience with my parents knowing I’ll be around guys. Except this one time last year I said I was hanging out with a male friend and my dad freaked out upon learning my friend is black. Prejudice is not an uncommon thing in my family, but I feel he went too far by actually telling me not to go over his house if I could help it and how dangerous it’d be. I was so mad in that instant bc it’s so obvious had I said my friend is white, he would’ve not even jumped to such a stupid conclusion.

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  2. I can completely relate. It took a lot for me to admit it to myself. They say self realization is a step to getting over any issue lol. I pray a lot also, and having conversations with God has helped me stay strong. Just know you have someone like you in the same journey 🙃

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