I don’t even know anymore. Some days before the new year, I tried to begin making one small change in my life, but have I really tried, or am I just falling wayward to the side like I usually do because I feel some part of me being resistant to the change? Am I really just such a non-motivated blob that I give up so easily?
My mind is cluttered with problems and no solutions, as usual. I think they wouldn’t be labeled as problems if I had a more positive outlook on my own life. I could benefit from talking to my family about some of these things, but instead, I am very quiet in their presence and would rather not bring up topics I feel uncomfortable discussing with them. Bad move.
To let in the world is a terribly difficult thing for me. I have one foot inside and one foot outside. When I imagine this visually, it’s terrifying and I can feel tears pricking at my eyes because I’m so scared of what is out there in the world. The outside is supposed to symbolize anything remotely outside my comfort zone. Social anxiety has been such an integral part of my life that I can’t even tell the difference between when I feel regular anxiety and when I feel actual social anxiety. I’m aware everyone gets anxiety, but when it’s so bad to the point I can’t even concentrate, that’s a problem.
Today I feel I wasted the day away. My mind was so far off. I was doing things, but it felt like I wasn’t fully present. I’ve gone down a rabbit hole to distract myself from the things going on in my head, only for it to turn into a mindless endeavor of passing time as the seconds tick by.