anxiety · life · melancholy · social anxiety

Where Is My Mind? 

I don’t even know anymore. Some days before the new year, I tried to begin making one small change in my life, but have I really tried, or am I just falling wayward to the side like I usually do because I feel some part of me being resistant to the change? Am I really just such a non-motivated blob that I give up so easily?

My mind is cluttered with problems and no solutions, as usual. I think they wouldn’t be labeled as problems if I had a more positive outlook on my own life. I could benefit from talking to my family about some of these things, but instead, I am very quiet in their presence and would rather not bring up topics I feel uncomfortable discussing with them. Bad move.

To let in the world is a terribly difficult thing for me. I have one foot inside and one foot outside. When I imagine this visually, it’s terrifying and I can feel tears pricking at my eyes because I’m so scared of what is out there in the world. The outside is supposed to symbolize anything remotely outside my comfort zone. Social anxiety has been such an integral part of my life that I can’t even tell the difference between when I feel regular anxiety and when I feel actual social anxiety. I’m aware everyone gets anxiety, but when it’s so bad to the point I can’t even concentrate, that’s a problem.

Today I feel I wasted the day away. My mind was so far off. I was doing things, but it felt like I wasn’t fully present. I’ve gone down a rabbit hole to distract myself from the things going on in my head, only for it to turn into a mindless endeavor of passing time as the seconds tick by.

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10 thoughts on “Where Is My Mind? 

  1. It sounds like you may have focus issues. Which of course is part of the parcel with SA. I think you should try and set small goals for yourself. Like maybe write 500 words a day, or try and set aside two hours each day to complete some tasks. I try to do that every now and then.

    As for talking to your family, if you can’t then that’s fine. Maybe you can write it up on your computer at least. Even if you don’t post it, it’ll be out of your mind for a bit!

    Or — do what I do and distract you 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The fact I have focus issues is why I am starting to doubt going back to school will help me. I don’t have the diligence to do it. Not gonna lie, when I was studying in the medical billing program at a vocational school years ago, halfway through the program I began half-assing everything. I remember filling in assignments and not even caring if the answers were right or not; just wanted to get it done because the work kept piling up. I didn’t deserve my diploma at all.

      The worst thing is I really want to tell my parents that I don’t think school is the right path for me because I simply don’t have the patience for it, but that medical billing was the wrong thing for me to study because I chose it on a whim and it got me nowhere after graduation. But I’m scared of admitting it to them.

      And then some days ago, my mom asked me if I would be interested in working in a bank. I basically had an internal freak out over the question, although I didn’t show it on my face and just asked her if I would just be speaking English on the job. I’m bilingual, but my mandarin is not good enough for a professional setting, so I’d prefer a job where I’m just using English. Her motivation for asking me seems to be that she noticed my brother has been nagging at me a lot about getting a job. And she believes if I had one, he’d back off.

      I’d beg to differ. I think if I had a job, he’d still be nagging at me about my crappy salary or some other thing. In the past I’ve tried out for admittedly more menial jobs, like cashiering or stocking (and never got hired..) and I never liked telling my brother because I got the sense he was judging me for it. And lately, he has been criticizing me for looking for those type of jobs when I could be making more in billing. He’s gone on about how expensive it is to live in NY and implying how ignorant I am about money. Worse is I even accidentally saw on his phone one unflattering text about me that he sent to a friend of his. That hurt me, but after seeing text, pretended to his face that I knew nothing about it.

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  2. I understand how you feel, Nat. I’m myself a very negative person, the thing is… sometimes, not all times and not every person is like this for sure okay? You can’t change some stuff about yourself, for example, when I think about certain scenarios or I follow in my mind an idea which could be really good for me I tend to see something negative about it no matter what. I was done with myself because of this reason, I even took a break from my blog, from seeing people’s blogs and everything that was related to mental illness. I did some thinking and I realized I’ll have to accept the fact my thinking process is like this and I’ll have to argue with myself when this happens, if I’m thinking: what if this goes wrong? I argued with myself even if I keep doubting in the end, sometimes I want to scream shut the heck up to myself lol, but yeah, talk with yourself.

    Oh that feeling of being in the middle… actually that is a part of having an anxiety disorder, but don’t forget we are our worst critics… that should be in the SA wikipedia page btw.

    I think you are strong for what I read on your posts, it’s fine if you aren’t feeling fully motivated right now, but that can’t be forever. Have trust in that you’ll get back on track soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m still unsure if I’m ready to talk about it with anyone. I’m kinda waiting for a specific time with my parents where I might feel more comfortable bringing up the issue that is bothering me.

      Liked by 1 person

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