anxiety · life

At a crossroads

Leaving my medical billing job has been a blessing in disguise. I decided to leave my position, albeit abruptly last Thursday, after feeling overcome with anxiety and so paralyzed to the point I legitimately blanked out for 15 minutes and was unable to focus on my work. I knew the job wasn’t going to pan out for me. Why? Because it was the wrong kind of work for me at the wrong time in my life. I was already feeling very uncomfortable at work. I think about how much effort it took me every time to even call my trainer over or ask him a question if there was something in my work that I didn’t understand how to fix. This one type of social interaction would leave me feeling so drained that I would have no energy left to continue pushing myself to talk to people outside of work-related issues. I’m talking about feeling so on edge even after getting answers to my work questions that the only way I felt I could maintain my sanity was to be quiet and not let my anxiety show on my face. Even worse, I often slept poorly on the nights before I had to go into work, as I dreaded having to interact with my co-workers. Two weeks ago on Tuesday, I actually cancelled my scheduled therapy session because my day at work on Monday made me so exhausted physically and psychologically that even 11 hours of sleep still left me feeling not that all right. I was coming apart mentally, but no one could see that (besides my therapist) because I’ve gotten so good at hiding what is wrong with me.

I will never again do anything medical billing related. Leaving that job has given me an epiphany, which is that I never enjoyed medical billing in the first place. I can honestly admit now, three years after graduating from billing school, that the only reason why I studied in the program was because I thought it would make my parents happy if I could get a job in the field. They never pressured me to study a certain field in school, but at that point in my life, I still didn’t know what kind of job I wanted. I had a lot of anxiety thinking about my future and drawing a complete blank. That anxiety led me to choose billing, almost like I slapped a band-aid over the cracks on my life in the hopes it would hold, but all it did was prolong my own unhappiness.

I have the option to go back to school and study something else, perhaps something I am passionate about, but I do not know what that is. I also have to consider how difficult or easy it’ll be to get a job in the field I choose to study in. I really don’t know. I am thinking of school as a possibility, but I haven’t made the commitment yet. My brother has offered to pay for all of my tuition fees. That’s a big deal. I feel I must think on this for longer, though. I don’t want to go back to school just to satisfy my family. It has to be for me, or all that money spent will be a waste.

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads like I am now? Thinking about possibly making a big change in your life and feeling unsure of it’s the right thing for you? What are your experiences, and how did you deal with it?

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