I’m having one of my moody days, where I don’t feel motivated to do anything. I’m still actively job hunting, but since my last phone conversation with my career counselor, the hunt itself has almost come to a standstill. And I know it’s my fault. I try to send out my resume to at least five online job ads per week, or as my career counselor advised, one job ad as per day. His last suggestion to me was that I could let him know which days I’m available to meet him in-person so he could help me conduct a mock interview and give me tips on my interview style. The prospect of this fucking scares me. I’ve gotten somewhat comfortable and used to talking to him on the phone, but I have no clue if I can keep my calm talking to him in-person. Phone calls freak me out, but I get some solace from at least not having the pressure of the other person getting a face-to-face visual of how nervous I look as I am talking. I don’t feel prepared to email him and suggest a day when we could do the mock interview, but the clock is ticking and I know I have to let him know soon, especially if I’m ever going to get any better at interviews and earn a paying job.
About a week ago, I signed up online for an upcoming civil service exam. It’s called Office Assistant-Keyboarding 1. Someone within my social anxiety meetup group actually referred the job to me since I had been talking to her about my job search struggles. She specifically pointed me to the job since I am a native speaker of Mandarin. The test is available for people who can speak Chinese or Spanish, however, the exam itself will still be in English. After some reading about the exam online, it seems that if I do pass the exam, I have potential to fill a job position as an office assistant doing data entry and keyboarding work, but then I will have to also take a Chinese proficiency test prior to being accepted for the job. I wonder if this means an oral or written exam? My written Chinese is a little rusty, but it’s nothing I can’t pick up again with some studying. I wish I could take the civil exam now, but I have to wait until the near end of September to receive a by-mail summons about the date and time of where I should report for the exam. Going by what it says on the exam info page, it’s either going to be September 24 or 25.
More on the topic of motivation… I don’t really know why I feel a lack of motivation on certain days to do things. It could be anything that is influencing my state of mind.
Social anxiety is definitely a factor. In the hours before I attend a social event, I know I’m going to be fixated on thinking about it and also feeling anticipatory anxiety. And it’s no secret that my sleep schedule is pretty much a mess when I am actively distracted in this way. I can’t remember the last time I went to bed feeling completely at ease with no worries about what I have to do for the next day.
Today, I definitely woke up with a sense of no motivation. The night before, I had plans of waking up earlier to look at more job ads online and apply to a few. Instead, I slept in because I went to bed late last night. When things don’t go the way I planned they should, the whole plan falls apart for me, and then I don’t feel any desire to really do much of anything else for the day. I feel disappointed in myself that I didn’t accomplish what I set out to do, I guess. This irritation stayed with me all morning and bled into other situations. My reaction to not getting things done is to withdraw within myself. And when I perceive other people are trying to break the bubble I’ve enclosed myself in, I feel myself getting irritated at the person just because I want to be left alone without having to talk or interact with anyone. It could be something as simple as one of my parents asking me a question or talking to me about something random. Just the act alone of someone trying to engage in conversation with me while I am in such a sour state makes me annoyed. Thing is, when I’m like this, I often try to contain my anger and not show it on the outside because part of me knows I’d be lashing out at someone for something that has nothing to do with them. This, in turn, sometimes exacerbates my already negative emotions because I’m giving myself the responsibility of acting normal to those around me even though I feel not all that great on the inside.
The logical thing to get out of this state is to talk to the others around me about what is bugging me. That could be a way to de-stress, but I’ve always had a problem with this. Partially, I perceive some of the things I am upset about are so minor and I balk at the idea of needing to talk to someone about it just to feel safe enough to get over whatever negativity I’m feeling. Am I so insecure that every little anxiety or worry I have can only be quelled if I have assurance from friends and family? Or maybe I’m afraid that opening up like this will make me weak for constantly needing support and a helping hand from people in order to feel balanced.