Ever since my revelation in my last post about why I have negative thoughts about myself and how it has aided in the flourishing of my avoidance issues, I feel like I am seeing a part of myself more clearly. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand all the workings in my own mind. I consider myself very self analytical, and that can be a strength, but it can also be a weakness, as I am quite self critical of my actions and thoughts.
If anything, understanding why I turn on myself during a state of anxiety has given me some measure of comfort knowing the reason behind the emotion. This whole time, I’ve been projecting my own negativity about myself and making myself believe everyone else thinks as badly of me as I do of myself. I’m simultaneously relieved and horrified to find out this truth about myself. Relieved because I now have clarity about my own emotions. Horrified because I’ve spent years and years in this vicious loop of having the onset of anxiety, thinking negative thoughts about myself, and letting my own prenotions about myself cause me to assume (as a fact) that other people must feel as negatively about me, too.
Now, it’s midnight again as I type this out. It’s officially Friday, and you know what that means. Today is my meetup event that I’m hosting. I’m still nervous about meeting the people who will show up to my event, but I’m not plagued with the combined feelings of apprehension and overwhelming anxiety as I was on early Tuesday morning. It’s pretty amazing how a revelation like this has given me a small peace of mind. Prior to this, all I knew was that once I started getting anticipatory anxiety for an upcoming social event, the negative thoughts was like a storm that could not be stopped, and the only control I felt I had in these situations was to hit the “abort” button and cancel my rvsp to the event in an effort to put an end to the loop of anxiety I felt.